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for a long time i have dealt with various mental illnesses. I cannot feel happy anymore. I dont feel anything. i have trouble connecting with emotions. when i feel angry or lash out i feel extremely guilty. I wonder if i have any purpose or if i am of any value. i have nobody who i feel cares or loves me, and most people ive met so far have been very toxic to me and took advantage of me. i constantly try to push myself out of this dark cloud, but it will always linger. My mind is very contradicting. Although it strips me of motivation and happiness, i still hold very high standards for myself to reach and push myself to achieve that. My brain feels very jumbled. I try to have hope and cope but nothing lasts. i want to kill myself but im too afraid to do so. I dont know if ill be as successful as I expect myself to be and im afraid of the future. im afraid of disappointing myself and failing. i dont know if anyone will truly love me. oh well. it doesnt matter, there are many people with worse lives than me and i should be more grateful for what i have. i hope anybody experiencing something similar get healed soon and feels happy, i wish this for myself as well although I dont know if it will happen. If anyone read this far, that means a lot to me and i appreciate your attention. Thanks for listening.