im gonna vent here cuz i hate opening up in real life.
In less than 24 hours i have been told that i am egoistic, ungrateful, heartless, emotionless. That i can just cut everyone off without thinking and hurt them intentionally. I can cut everyone off without thinking about them. That i distance myself quite often.
All my life all i have been was the opposite. I let everyone walk over me, i couldn’t find who i was. I have been hurt so many times i cant even remember.
my memory is so foggy i dont remember anything to the point when one night i tried to remember one of my relationships and i went so deep i remembered some things and actually understood that i was sexually assaulted.
When i finally realized that i need to love myself more, that i should be my priority and i worked every day to achieve that. I always tried to be more distant more cold so people wont ever know the real me because not everyone deserves to.
I thought that the point where i am is not enough and worked harder and harder and now i have been told that.
That i am cold hearted. I never care. I am distant.
and now that i am where i wanted to be , i dont know how to feel.
I realized that i have spent so much time alone that i really dont need anyone anymore.
But the thibgs is i bottle up everything. Nothing has changed it just became worse.
I have been stressing so much, i took every possible class i kept myself busy all the time i havent had any time for myswlf.
My mental and physical health is so bad and nobody gives a shit.
My anxiety got really bad and parents never care. When i say that my head aches they go like “ u r too young for that” or “ u havent done anything. mine should be aching i was working all day” I cant evwn open up about my health anymore.
My hands are constantly shaking to the point where i cant draw.
I dont know what i want
All i have been thinking lately is death because its so much easier.
I am so tired . i dont want to feel anything anymore.