No one seems to acknowledge my efforts. No one seems to want me around. I'm way past the point of needing help or attention, I don't even know if I want to be heard anymore. I live each day for the sake of getting through it - I wake up, go through classes, some chores, get my usual cups of coffee, maybe eat, sleep, get up again, wait for me to go back to sleep - then the cycle repeats itself all over again. My current environment is toxic, but then again, everywhere I go ends up becoming toxic - I am toxic - I am the one making it so. I always think of ending my life, I want to, I need to be free of myself somehow. But I'm scared. In a few months I'll grow older, another year added to my meaningless life. Another year of knowing that no one will mind what I feel, they will only notice the wrongs and my success anyway. If I make it, they're happy, if I don't they will continue to make me feel miserable, there's really no in-between. I'm sick of asking for help because no one ever helps, even I've given up on myself, what more the others. I feel like I'm just a shell, all I have is dark thoughts and a repetitive lifestyle. Nothing is ever new nor old - it's just as it is. Stagnant. I want to break out of it but how? Trying new things terrify me, I'm too scared to end it all as well. Every single time I dwell on thoughts that drag me down, I'm a big ball of anxiety and depression. I want to die, there's no talking me out of it. I want it to end, I want to be free. Yet even for that, I can't be resolute. I'm too much of a coward to die. I'm scared of pain but all the while I'm causing myself more pain. I don't know where to go. I used to think I'm heading forward but everything else seems too heavy to move on - yet I don't want to let go. Why cant it just all end?