Hi, I've struggled with mental health for basically my entire life. I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia, ptsd and bipolar disorder with psychotic features. It's hard for me to make a connection with people, not because I'm stupid, I'm actually a decently smart guy, it's more of just picking up on the little things and finding most people to be pretty bland to be honest. For the longest time I thought love was out of my grasp until I met her. Man, she really changed my entire life. She's gone now, sadly. I still get visits with my son, and we're still on talking terms but I know she legitimately hates me, and everyone's lives always get better when I'm not there so a couple months ago I devised a plan. I am not happy in this world, never have been aside from my years with the mother of my child. I'm killing myself in 1 year and 10 months if I can't find something that makes me want to be alive. I know some people are going to think that my son should make me want to stay alive, and he does, but given the person that I am, I don't want to risk him wanting to be like me. I've gone through this life leaving in my wake a trail of destruction and chaos. No matter the meds I'm on or how much I try to be a good guy, I always fuck it up and end up hurting everyone around me, I'm just one of those people who really shouldn't be alive. I'm not wanting anyone to try and talk me out of it, the friends and my ex tried to at first but after a long talk with them they aren't accepting of the idea, but tolerating it. My ex and I have agreed that she'll help me plan the funeral, and that after that time is up I'm going to slowly cut myself out of my son's life so that it isn't a huge sudden change for him. Normally people would be thinking that there's so much that they still want to do with life, but honestly, I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, tired of this unrelenting pain inside me, tired of every sleight this world has pulled on me. I'll probably be posting updates on how that plan's going periodically. I am actively trying to better myself and my life, self help books, therapy, exercise, hell even dating. This woman I recently started talking to is pretty nice and we have a lot in common, but I'm pretty sure I fucked it up with a drunk text that I sent her last night, we'll see I guess. As far as a venue for the big event I'm torn between Avon, North Carolina and the Grand Canyon, going to be visiting both places to see which has the more beautiful sunrise. Thanks for listening.-M.M.