11/23/2020I got a phone call, he told me he was excited about a house that he found near his brothers place to rent. He said that because I don’t have credit, he had already talked to his brother and wife about helping us with the application under J’s name. They have good credit, so it’s a higher chance that they get accepted and we just pay the rent to them. I said OK, and we made plans to go look at the house after I left work. He then told me that he was at crazy Mexico and had ordered a pitcher de modelo negro. His favorite. I got frustrated and upset and hung up. When I got off work, I drove home. Got there, other two cars were there but the one he drove was not parked correctly. I immediately thought, this guy is gonna want to drive, I’m going to try to be tough and have him go onto the passenger seat of my car. Called him to get out and he said ok hop in my car I’ll drive I said no. I didn’t come out of my car. I wasn’t parked in all the way. He got outside through the front door. Waved for me to get in but I ignored, playing dumb so he would get in. He didn’t. He got onto the car he was driving and turned it on, started backing up and I beeped for him to stop and I moved forward. Stayed in the car 2 more minutes while he flashed his lights. He called me and as soon as the phone rang I gave up and got out of the car and went inside his in the passenger seat. Closed the door and put on my seatbelt. He started trying to reach to me saying my love and sweet things. Frustrated I pushed his hands away and said don’t touch me, why were you even driving for, it’s a Monday. With a sweet voice he said, well if your going to be like that, why don’t you just stay? I unhooked my seatbelt, opened the door and as I hopped out, he released his break just a little enough to scare me, but the car was on park. I got scared and even more angry, I looked back to him and slammed the door walking fast to the front door. As soon as I was right in front of the truck, I hear it change gears, he put it in drive and went forward. When I was at the door, he had turned off the truck and gotten out. I still had my keys, so I opened the door and closed it, leaving it unlocked because I saw him rushing behind me and I knew that if I didn’t leave it like that, he would try to kick it open as he has done in the past in the second bedroom. I walked fast to the main bedroom, mad. He caught up to me. First he firmly grabbed my neck for a second. Shove me on my right chest pushing me back. I stood still. He then lifted both of his fists in a boxing stand and said “ I can beat you up right now did you know that?” He lowered his hands and with his right hand pushed me again on the left side of my chest and I Went back more. “Do you know how much it would cost to fix the cars? I’m the only one taking that responsibility you don’t know. Don’t you ever do that again because you don’t know what I’m capable of. I don’t care if you call the police and I get arrested and they deport me. I will come back and find you and I swear if I do, I will kill you.” He began shouting at me with insults. I sat down on the bed, quiet and avoiding eye contact. Still angry he slapped me on the right side of my face and my glasses went flying out the left side. [The first time he ever slapped me, he was drunk and we were having sex. He told me he liked it and I said no. He playfully slapped me and i returned it twice as hard in a instant not thinking and apologized deeply to him. The second time, he slapped me again in the face saying the same thing, again during sex. I panic pushed him off me and curled up, started sobbing uncontrollably and having a panic attack. I got up and started getting dressed trying to leave. As I got to the door of the bedroom he got on his knees and told me that he loved me, not to leave because he didn’t want me to go. He talked me out of leaving right then and there, I agreed because I thought that he would change. Both times were before I moved in with him.] more than a year and a half into the relationship. He kept going off and even started crying himself saying that he just can’t be with someone like me that criticizes everything he does, he just wants peace. I had shed one tear from the slaps, told him to take a seat and I sternly told him what bothered me. It went in out ear and out the other. We both calmed down a bit and he agreed to give me the keys, then he frustratedly told me to go look at the house. I got the keys and he got in the car. He still kept going and I started crying while driving. We continued to argue and we kept insulting each other, I told him, “you have so many things that you hate about me and tell me I’m the worst at. The only thing I hate about you is your drinking and wanting to go behind the wheel. Of of our problems have started because of that and you can’t see it, you can’t control it” and I continued telling him if he kept going on the same path, he would be stupid for not just staying out of trouble. He told me what thought about my comments and mentioned a past incident that is still going. If they get me because of what happened am I stupid? He said angrily. I opted out so not speak anymore. I began to shut down, and he kept asking. I started to cry. He kept asking and frustrated, slapped me at a red light. I began crying even more and couldn’t take it, I wanted for this to stop and I said the things he wanted to hear. He asked again, I said no. Why, he asked, I said because it’s my fault. “I have never blamed you for the 100% [he did, constantly] if I hadn’t started it it would be fine but it happened. But you made it worse.” He continued. We got to the house he wanted to look at. Still arguing and shouting, I only answered yes or no to his questions, shaking still crying. We got out of the car and I was cold, crying while he tried showing me around saying you like it? Stop crying, could you handle the rent if I wasn’t here? I answered yes to all his questions. He took off his shirt and told to to wear it, since he said that I was cold. We went back to the car, I took off his sweater and I gave it back. He kept talking about the house asking if I liked it saying that this was the one. A few blocks away from the current apartment, he told me to make a left and go to the restaurant he was at earlier, he wanted to drink. We got there, I was still upset and crying, I told him to go in alone. He said no, he didn’t want a cop to see me and ask questions. I told him you can take the keys o won’t leave, I just don’t want to go inside I’m still upset. He told me to pull myself together and go in with him. Trying not to make him more angry, I used the cami under my blouse to clean my tears and buggers. I settled down a bit and we went in, sat down and he went to the bathroom. I didn’t make contact with anyone, afraid of what he would do. He sat beside me, something he almost never does. We ordered a pitcher, I got water and we ordered. Still a bit shaken, I avoided his eye contact and kept the yes answers coming . We ate, he was as sweet as I’ve always wanted him to be and I felt myself trying to get away and at the same time hug him and kiss him want to hold onto him closer. He cared me, feeling my cheeks but loving his hand near my neck and I snapped back in to the situation. He asked me if I still wanted to marry him in a church and I said yes, to keep his happy, he looked at me smiled and said I can see it in your eyes, you don’t want to anymore, I turned and said yes I do. Every time he placed his hands near my chin, I fought back the tears. We were in public and I didn’t want to cause a scene. While leaving he asked for the keys. Almost crashed, he drove again back to the house to make sure I knew how to get there. I was tight in my seat belt, holding to the arm thing in the side of the door shaking praying the Rosario. We finally got home. Going in, I went to the second bedroom as I always do and broke down. He came in in boxers and dancing but saw me upset. He came close firmly asking what’s wrong while I backed more into the sofa trying to hold back tears, saying it’s nothing. He continued to ask and got closer and with his left hand place it on my neck for half a second while I put up my hands to cover my face and I cried please don’t. Tell me. I’m scared of you I said. I won’t ever do anything to you but listen to me just do as I say. Come to bed. I have to take a shower I said quietly. Then move! He shouted. You say you’re scared of me but don’t do as I say of course I’m going to be angry. I saw the neighbors’s cars, and knew they were hearing everything. He walked into the hallways and I still tried to calm my self down on the couch. He came back and said see? This is why I’m so angry with you! Get moving! I undressed and took a shower. Went to the room, and he’s already snoring. I lay at the edge of my side. I type this journal. My hair is still wet and I pulled another blanket since he’s wrapped up in one and I don’t want to disturb him. He’ll be angry in the morning because I got the other blanket but hopefully I’ll be Ok enough to go to work and not break down. *Sorry for the typos. Still shaking. Good night.