I've dealt with a lot of internal battles over the last 15+ years. Going to a private middle school, I guess my parents expected them to do some sort of basic "health ed" so they never did it themselves. I was never "popular" or even good looking, so at a young age (Middle School) i started looking at "adult material" in secret. Even in the hormone crazed environment of HS, I was never noticed or got attention. This just caused me to seek out more "adult material" to cope. This unfortunately continued into college where I wound up dropping out after a year for a number of factors. I wound up in a dead end job which i just recently moved on from. Unfortunately I've now reached the point where the extreme guilt over my "secret shame" makes me feel unworthy of love, which in turn sends me back to it. I'm nearly 30, and while I've been making improvements in other areas of my life, this is still the major hangup which triggers depression which, even though i don't physically access the material anymore, is still in my brain, which causes me to falter, which sends me back into a spiral of depression. It's a vicious cycle I wish I could escape.
Re: 15yrs of struggles
First of all, let me say to you that I'm sorry for what you are going through.
That being said, I am worried that you're feeling too guilty about masturbation.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation -- everyone does it.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It's okay to love yourself.
Re: 15yrs of struggles OP
I'm still struggling with this, i had hoped that starting to get some sectors of my life together would help, but the lockdowns have complicated everything, leaving me alone with my impure thoughts. I want to rid myself of this shame, but every time i start doing well, i fall back into old habits.