Hello people...
It's dead of night here and I am desperately searching for somewhere to unburden myself...I feel as if I cannot talk with anybody I know. Before I begin, I warn you this will be a longer story, so if you don't want to bother yourself with a relationship story of an emotionaly stunted man, stop here.
I am a man in my mid twenties and I grew up a bit socially unadjusted. It's not that I did not have friends, but I was in my head a lot and at the end of the elementary and through the middle school, I was friends with metalheads and drug addicts, social outcast to be short. I was always looking for a feeling of camraderie and felt as if I found it there. It was just us, and would go around in parks, in the woods around campfires and so on...it was beautiful.
However, that's not my issue here. Being socially unadjusted as I said, I had trouble with getting into relationships with girls. I am by no means ugly, I am an athleticaly built, square faced, 6.3 muppet, but that can get you only so far. I had interactions with girls who were more on the promiscuous side, but those were only one time things. There were girls that were interested, but I would always back out when things would get too serious, while ironically seeking a deep relationship myself.
Now, there was this girl I met when I was 13 at a concert in a big city. She was drunk and I had just arrived, and she came to a mutual friend in our gang, and since they were all older, and the two of us were both 13, we hugged. I didn't see her until the middle school then, for the next two years, but I thought of her. That's how much of an impression she left on me.
She however had forgotten me. I brought it up at school, and we sparked a friendship then and there. She was very unique because her emotions were very intense, and I think that's what really made me shake when she would hug me...It was indescribable. This was by no means the first time I was touched by a girl, but it made me go nuts. I felt relaxed. I knew I was in love.
She however did not feel that way about me and I understood that without saying, but I had to get it off my chest. I really cared for her and I wanted her in my life, as a friend at least. I did it a year after we started hanging out and her reply still stings me today...”Not you too.”...
We continued to hang out for the next 5,6 years, and I always felt paranoid and was full of doubt about her (and some other friends') sincerety. Even though she would invite me to her home, and would go out sometime, her tendency to often change partners made me doubt. She was invested in the relationship with me as she was with her other friends and lovers and it made me jealous. I didn't feel as our relationship was unique, that it had any meaning.
I was an emotional wreck a year before I went to university. I worked security at the time to make money for leaving to another country. I was taking two years off after middle school, and by that time, she went to a different country for her education, but were still in touch. However, I started getting very distant, and it wasn't the first time. She would never let me before, and I was too much of a coward to end our friendship then and there...but the moment came one nightshift.
Why did I want to do this? Because I couldn't get in grip with my emotions and my personal relations. On the one side, I craved deep and meaningful relationships, but on the other, I feared betrayal and humiliation should I let someone close. Because I knew I was a jealous bastard and that bottling my true emotions will one day hurt everybody. And so, one night she texted me asking why have I been distant towards her lately, not calling her and so...I played it off as nothing was wrong and that I am busy, but she saw through my bullshit, and said that, at least, if I do not plan to talk to her anymore, to at least talk to her face to face about it. I said ok, and told her when and where I will be available(I was working 4 jobs and barely getting any sleep because i needed the money for when I go abroad). It did not suit her and she asked about another time, but I was unavailable.
Few days later, she texted me, emotional, that it was not fair towards her, that she at least wants to know the reason. I told her that she was losing nothing and that I need to go my own way(Fucking coward). A month later, her father drowned in a river after getting drunk. They had a strained relationship because her mother raised her on her own. I heard about it, but I didn't call her to give my condolences. I wanted her to hate me and to forget me. It would make easier for me and I would stop thinking about her eventualy when I left.
Some time later, when she found that from a mutual friend that I knew, she texted me angrily that ”I know that sometimes relationships get strained and people grow distant, but I would give condolences to my worst enemy.” I apologised and gave them, but she was still pissed because she did not know the reason I was behaving this way.
On the new year eve of that year, we didn't talk to eachother, but run into one another in our hometown. I was with a friend in the bar, and she entered with hers, and went to say hi to us. She hugged my friend and then kissed me in the cheek. I was formal and brief in my greeting which seems to have hurt her. I felt horrible and went home. I just wanted her to resent me and forget me, so I can get on with my life. But no.
During the next year, both of my paternal grandparents died. She contacted me to give me her sincere condolences, and I was brief again...I was desperate. Why won't she leave me alone!?
It's been a year and a half since then...we did not communicate. But even though I met new people, I still have those odd nights where I stay up, listen to music from my high school days and beat myself into a melancholy. I feel so detached and unable to deal with my emotions. I wanted to escape so much from thinking about her, to stop having such strong feelings so I can have a normal life, but even though I met some girls with which I could have had a relationship, I can't feel that way about them. It's such a jarring emotion that it left me almost emotionally stunted and cold. And I don't know what's wrong with me.
The truth is, I thought it would be best for us to go our seperate ways. I would crack one day with holding up my emotions and would hurt her. I wanted to sever our relationship before that happens for the greater good and I thought we would eventually get over it. But now, as I get older, I see that we really did have an emotional friendship and I threw it away. To make matters worse, she might still love me, because she often asks how I am from my mutual friends...
No girl or a woman i've been with could make me feel like she did. Another womans legs around me could not make me feel happy and fullfiled like her sincere hug did.
Just trying to get some of it off my chest. I feel like I went too far with this. I am a coward and a cold bastard. I deserve this.
Thank you for reading.