caught feelings or drowned?

haha...alright

so, i was friends with this guy for 4-6 years of my life. Like any other unstable kid, he became my coping mechanism. And like any other unstable kid, i pushed him away because i didn't want my coping mechanism to mean anything other than a cure. I was way too late for that. I never believed in love at first sight, that's only in books. But I do know that he's the reason i'm still alive. He was my excuse to not go through every suicide attempt i've had. Is it possible, at all, to 'hate' someone so much that its 'love?'

Or have i actually given in and fell in love? like legitimate hanahaki disease love?