I don’t know what to do with my feelings

I’ve had an unrequited love with a guy for 7 years, since I started middle school and whom I've known a total of 8 years.

Don't get me wrong I'm close friends with him and at this point I was perfectly content with being his friend. I even convinced myself I no longer liked him and the only reason it still felt like it was because of my admiration for him as a person, him being the funny and kindest one I know. But we've graduated now and even though we are friends, I know deep in my heart I'll most likely never see him again(or anytime soon). We're going to different colleges and as I've seen from my older siblings you don't really keep in contact with people from your high school, especially when you're only friends. But I don't want to lose him.

I've never really cared too much about anything in my life, I'm a black belt in karate so that my brother has a sparring partner, I'm fine with a simple life but I'm going to be an engineer so my parents can rest easy, the only clothes I own are hand me downs so my dad doesn't have to buy new ones, besides an occasional coffee the only thing I spend money on is present for friends and family. But I swear I'm not lying when I say that there is nothing I hate more than knowing that I won't be able to see him again. Since I usually internalize things I haven't cried in years yet I cried over something as stupid as a friendship with a long overdue crush.


I'm not saying that to sound pitiful just to say that in my life, one where I've had life and death encounters, nothing has been as unbearable as this. Which is probably why I'm venting like this online. You want to know something funny? I literally had to look up ways to vent anonymously in order to even find this website. For various reasons, which I could probably write an essay about, I can't tell anyone I know about this. So even if no one reads this(I mean I wouldn't read something this long) I don't know what else to do. I feel so lonely and guilty and horrible and just so confused. I wish I could reverse time or stop it or something. I think I almost depended on the fact that I would see him every week if not everyday(we FaceTimed during quarantine), but now I don't know what's going to happen. Actually I do I just don't want to admit that I have to say goodbye. I've never felt so broken as I do now