I hate myself & i hate my fiancé!

I hate my life I’ve always hated my life as far as I can remember. My real moms a crack head who gave me to my step mom and dad. And they are very unsupportive and mean to me most of the time unless i don’t come around often and then their nice. They treat my son way better than they’ve ever treated me. I’m so sad & depressed I’ve never had friends i wish and have prayed for a friend it’s never happened. I’ve been physically mentally and emotionally been abused by men. I don’t understand what i do to deserve this life. People always think I’m mean but I’m sad as hell mylife is pure hell most of the time. I’m engaged now we’re suppose to get married soon but he’s so fucking mean just like everybody else I’m always the blame for EVERYTHING like if he trips and falls oh i must of put the rock there to make him fall or i was walking to close to him which is a lie. He doesn’t physically abuse me. But i can’t leave because some how some way he manipulated me into quitting my 2 great jobs & moving to another state , now he takes care of me & everything involving me . But i love him because i want to fix him he’s broken too but I’m starting to hate him but i want to marry him in hopes that things will get better i just wanna love & be loved . I just want to breath a sigh of peace forever but i can’t I’m angry frustrated sad hurt . He keeps his gone home alone with me he stays gone a lot but i know he’s not cheating because i have access to everything but the gun he keeps at home i hold often to get the courage to blow my brains out. That will be my sigh of peace forever I HATE living I’m never going to be happy. Life’s to hard !!!!