I’m a messed up person

I’m not messed up in a gross way, my brain is just royally screwed up. I’ll be fine for days, weeks, even months on end and then I just crack I break and all I want to do is die and if I tell anyone and they tell me to stop the feelings grow in a sick way I feel like them finally realizing the disappointment I am will be a nice way to go and part of me wants to go out with a bang and another part of my just wants to dissolve into nothing on a dark night and for no one to even know I’m gone. I know I’m selfish as shit for wanting to die so bad. But am I really? My friends can suck my dick, they only care about me when I’m useful and if I try to vent they will start talking about their own issues and won’t even take two minutes to listen. I just want someone to hear me before I drown, but I know someday I’ll drown, no one looking enough to see me struggling just below the surface. I thought I was fine. I was fine for a year and then recently the feelings have been worse then they’ve ever been. I haven’t worked myself up enough to actually try anything yet but the feeling of pain has become addicting and the sight of the blood makes the sick voice in my head tell me I did a good job, the only thing that thinks I’m doing good right now it seems. I try to tell myself and everyone else I have no reason for these feelings, that I’m just a dramatic cry-baby who is just depressed for attention but I know it’s not true. I’ve had countless friends and relatives urge me to go ahead and do it, hell a relative was the one who taught me how to do it. My dads threatened to kill me and my siblings before and many friends have expressed feelings of wanting me dead. I’ve had friends stab me on multiple occasions and once they stopped I started doing it to myself. I’m just a messed up person who’ll probably be better off gone but doesn’t have the guts to go ahead and die.