Im into one of my closest friends in one of the worst ways.

Preface: im a transguy. Was female, is now id’ing as male. I also, thought i was full aromantic, but now i know this to be false. Im also Queer af.

So up until recently, this guy was one of my closest friends. I’ll call him A. We would hang out our mutual friend, Q’s house. We’d wrestle and joke around and everything. It was all good. Just hanging out.

But recently, he’s been making a point of when he beats me in wrestling, or when i playfully call him a mean name, he’ll bite me. Not in a particularly sexual way. Mostly my ankle and arms. And I’ve noticed that he’s made a few more explicit jokes, that, while not out of character for him, was out of character for me to joke about, and they were directed toward me.

And in general, you would think id be annoyed, but im not. We get rough all the time, but he keeps making a couple explicit jokes here and there, and im going with it. And even though he’s left bruises before, I haven’t told him to stop being so rough or biting me. I’m lowkey, (not even that lowkey) into it.

Thing is, even after he literally pins me and bites my shoulder, and makes jokes about explicit things with me, (example: joking about me wanting to touch his dick or calling him daddy), he’ll say specifically that i’m “such a good friend”.

And its not like we have a friends with benefits kind of thing going on. So he’s giving me mixed signals, but I’m into it. And I don’t want to make it weird if its just A being rough and joking, but i don’t want to push him away if he is into me. Or maybe it’s that I’m trans. And he is into me, but he says he’s not into guys so that’s what is making him pull off about it.

No matter what it is, I know that despite the way we may act, I’ve found myself romantically attracted to A. Not to mention Im, (as stated above), lowkey into the whole wrestling and biting type dynamic we have. But I cant tell Q and risk our friendship as well as A’s. So I have no one to tell, and Im oblivious as to if I should try to go for it with A, or if I should hide how I feel in order to protect our friendship for the long haul.

Not to mention that this is the first time I’ve felt real romantic attraction, (like i said i thought i was aromantic until now), so that is not helpful.

i just don’t know what to do.