It's so hard 😭

Its even hard for me to put all my thoughts down. From around January 2019 i starting feeling sad and down all the time :fake friends and bullying, crying everyday and every night. Lying saying I'm fine.It started with a face scratch, then my hands, then bitting my palms, then the blade came in.I used have suicde thoughts and dreams /nightmares all the time .Thought what to write in that note.I tried committing multiple times but people don't know.not even my family. I still remember in may 2019 i was with my uncle and he saw something on my palm i just lied and saud i felt in school.After i moved to Uk i thought that I'm not like that anymore , that I'm better.I mean i am better than i was but i still feel lile a fucking disappointment like i have let down everyone, insecure about everything, sad all the time but still hiding it behind my smile and laugh.I was doing better with my self harm.i did do some cut s on my fingers and palm a few times .Last week i did do somereally bad cuts on my leg .Today my mom saw the scar and i said i felt down the stairs 😢😭.