I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who feels this way, especially with coronavirus and everything, but I just don't care anymore, about anything, things that would have used to bother me just don't get to me anymore. Even if I have toxic friends, family members, I don't care, I'm trusting God to put people in my life and then make them leave. I trust he has a plan. I just want to be successful, do well and be a good person. I'm fine during the day but then at night I just get so sad. I have so many emotions, my mum thinks I should get counselling because someone close to me is an alcoholic and every day it's destroying me more and more. I don't think anyone else can notice it, but it has had a big impact on my life. I really worry about the future and what this impact will do to me and what it will make me turn out like. I hope I don't become one, I don't drink at all just because I get worried it will happen to me and I won't be able to stop. It drowns so much out, feelings, emotion, it turns of your humanity really. I want to find peace, on a journey to self discovery. Sometimes I dream of just going on a road trip across the world in a van with a group of friends, not having a care in the world. Meeting the love of my life, listening to music (lana del ray) I love her so much, her music is so theraputic for when I'm feeling down. I'm so scared of my past, I don't know why it went so badly, I wish it went differently. Oh well, I am here and healthy I suppose. Sometimes I make up film scenarios in my head to music, like I'm the director. One day I hope I can make films to get inspirational messages across to society. Anyway, my mother is going slightly insane, my sister is very worried about her but i think shes doing alright. the trouble is no one on the outside can see what shes like they think that shes coping so well but actually in reality she isnt okay. my sister worries she will get worse. there is so much to look forward to, but sometimes i just take everything for granted. i cant wait for coronavirus to be over, so i can go to university and get out of this small town.