Losing it

Help. I have depersonalization disorder. I’ve had it for 7 years due to trauma. Along with that, I have major depression and anxiety. I hate this year. I wanna go back to 2019. I wish I knew what was going to happen in 2020 to prevent it. Everyday it’s the same old shit. Same old routine and same fucking thoughts and mindset. It’s bottled up. I’m losing my fucking mind! Yesterday after my friends left, I got sad because when I’m not hanging with people

for a distraction, I get all sad. I had a couple of shots. After, I took a shower, I laid down on the bath I looked in the mirror, I kept repeating to myself, “I want to go back to 2019” for a straight 5 minutes. I lost it I was balling my eyes out screaming. Now today, it’s still a shitty day. Before I showered, I was on ft with my friend, I heard that my other friend mentioned a hotel party to her but not to me. I felt worthless. I wanted to start a conversation so I said “I don’t like sundays I like mondays better.” So she was like “okay”. She’s so fucking dry. So i said “how about you”? Then she goes “im going to hang up bye”. I felt even more worthless. I took a bath looked at my self in the mirror with a sad face and looking down. I tried cutting my self with a razor, it left a little mark. I’m out of it. My mom is my supporter but she left for work because she works nightshift. No one else

supports me in this house. The environment in my house is

so fucking deppressing. My dad stays in his room all day and he so fucking annoying. My sister is working from home because of the pandemic and thats fucking annoying because we have a small house so we have to be fucking quiet. I don’t know now.