Scared of myself

I hate my self and my body. I hurt someone and Now I hurt. I am purposely starving myself and it’s only been 2 weeks. I can’t eat food cuz I don’t deserve it and I hate my body. I feel alone, cold, and scared. I have a big heart but why do I hurt people I care about and why do I hurt myself. I’m a bad person. My biological dad is a bad guy and I’ve been in contact with him to figure myself out but the more I get to know him the more scared of him I become. He’s in prison for raping two underage girls. He’s a monster. He made me so does that mean I’m a monster? I feel like I’m a bad person just like him. I can’t control my urges. I cheat, I lie, I hurt people mentally, and I hurt myself. I’m hurting. I’m hurting!!!!!!!

I don’t know what to do. I can’t kill myself because I’m a mom. I love being a mom. It makes me happy. But, I am struggling with my depression and with everything going on around me. I need help but I call a dr or a therapist and they are booked way out... I don’t know what to do