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6 months ago

Sigh.

I’m depressed. And have been fighting to find myself since 2017. That’s when the depression hit heavy. The year before (2017) I had an abortion and it was pretty traumatic as I almost died having the procedure. It was supposed to take 15 minutes and it ended up taking a few hours. After the abortion, I kind of just went on with life as usual. But a year later, (2017) is when life started falling apart. My grandma was diagnosed with cancer and then suddenly died. The 1 year anniversary of the abortion had passed. I got my heart broke and I pretty much have not been the same since. Fast forward to this year (2020), I have probably now had my heart broken for the 4th/5th time idk at this point I’m losing track. I have never had a boyfriend in my life which is crazy that yet here I am still getting my heart broke by THE same person. I am struggling with depression and PTSD AND the fear of never having a baby again. I think about dying quite often because living is beginning to be something I’m not sure I can even handle. I was such a happy until 2017. I cannot find myself and I’m starting to give up and really don’t have fight left in me. I sometimes fantasize about jumping off my balcony. I’m always sad and I don’t know how to get out of it. I put on a great front at work, church, and etc but I’m sad.