trigger warning: abuse abd r*pe

i don’t care who sees this, i just need to let it out. i was mentally and sexually abused as a kid and i’m now turning 20. i feel like it made me quite an awkward person and i’m really sensitive to hurting others and stepping on people’s toes. as i get older, i’ve become increasingly angry, even when i think i’m happy. i was r*ped around this time of year and my desire for hurting myself becomes so intense. i sometimes hide in the bathroom and slap and punch myself in the face... i even strangled myself. i want someone else to do it, to feel all my inner pain bubble to the surface. i feel like i would pay someone to beat me up if i really had to. i just... need to hurt. i want to feel that fuzzy light headed feeling and the intense pain of recovery. just for it to happen all over again. i know i’m disgusting, but i’ve tried therapy, medication, self change— nothing has worked, and i feel suffocated by what is, essentially, my fetish.