Look I’m not stupid okay. I know killing myself isn’t the solution and I should talk to people. I know I need help and I know people love me. However, I just feel stuck. I want to tell people, but I can’t bring myself to do it at all. I know people have it worse out there. I hate my life though. I never felt like I truly had friends in my life and it may sound like a whiny teenager, but I’m almost 18. Yeah sure I got a life ahead of me, but why go on when I keep going in circles. Feels like I’m at my lowest for the literal 12th time in my life (wanted to kill myself multiple times within a two month period). I don’t really have friends because they legit won’t text me unless I text them first and it feels like I carry the convo (plus a lot of moving). My stepdad is emotionally and verbally abusive towards me and my siblings and it has its breaks in between, but still, circles. Mom is working most of the time and has shit at work and her mental health to deal with. Both have at least a nuclear bomb type fight at least twice a year. Dad and dad side is transphobic. I just move again after about over ten other moves within my life. Don’t have the motivation to do work or college or anything really. Keep having nightmares about being raped or being physically abused by both men and women (not my mom tho) which, I’m still being haunted by that time I was molested by my cousin at 11 (he was 18). Idk maybe this is a vent or who knows what will happen in the future. It ain’t looking bright at all so maybe that’s why I’ve been saving up those random pills and I just want to end it. I just don’t know anymore. And hey, if you managed to read all of it I hope I didn’t waste your time. Imma try to sleep and not have nightmares (good luck to me).