What's wrong with me?!

Okay so I'm in 10t grade and I'm very tensed about my board exams also my family expect a lot from me ugh

my sibling taunts me mocks me that I'm a failure and not worth it I can't have a phone or watch any movie or series

ok I understand that but don't tell me that I will fail for fucks' sake!

I cry myself to sleep every night and I even started to hate myself and I think I'm a terrible person

I think I'm better off dead

no one really care even if I'm dead cause I'm not worth it

"I'm such a terrible person" "I'll fail my board" these are the voices that echo during night and I cant sleep

I imagine how to end me and kill myself but I don't have enough courage

My parents think I will pass NEET in my first try but I'm damn sure that's not going to happen and I will disappoint them

All my friends have their own personal phones but I don't have one and I kinda feel im missing out

we go to park and they are take candids and all those pics to remember in future I can't do that


Sometimes I think that i just need a friend who really cares for me and I can share everything to him/her so yeah that friend is my diary which apparently i read by everyone and is not acceptable for me so I write here online