a bad day?

Time Spent- 3h 35m
67 Visitors

(TW; self harm)

6:51 pm, i don't know why but today is a bad day, nothing has really happened to give it that label but i feel like it is. I feel like crying, so i am. I haven't done my homework, i haven't finished my art projects, i haven't done my yoga. I'm just crying listening to sad songs writing this, i deleted an old edit today, someone made it for me and my old friends, pictures, screenshots of texts, our favourite games, it was a beautiful gift. Until everything happened, all those friends gone. They aren't dead, just gone, four of them completely fake, bullies, one a paedophile, the others left without a word. And while i know they weren't good people exactly, i miss them... I cried for hours and hours on end over these people, shared my deepest secrets, what kept me up, why i hurt myself, when, we'd laugh and joke until three in the morning, It hurt deleting the once thoughtful and caring gift, but it needed to be done, I've lost so many people. I had a good nights sleep, and yet it felt strange, i had a weird dream, not unusual for me, i have nightmares often, but this dream to me wasn't a nightmare. In this dream I had a small knife, the ones you find in Craft stores, i stared at it for so long, and eventually just cut my wrist, it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would so i did it again letting my blood drip down my arm messing up the once pastel blue bedsheets, i don't remember if i did it again but i woke up falling back asleep immediately, I've never cut in real life, i self harm but never cut. I've always kept that promise to my dad. I've come here before to vent, i feel selfish in a way, i know I'm lucky for all i have, and I'm grateful, but as i said in my previous post, I'm trying to live by a quote "saying someone can't be sad because someone has it worse, is like saying someone can't be happy because someone has it better." So I'm trying to forgive myself.

I ate, it hurt but i did it, i regret it but its done now.

i don't really know why I'm here, maybe i just need some kind of human contact that isn't family since my only three friends have gone AWOL, or just some kind of reassurance i don't know, I'm kind of tired of hearing that it'll be okay because it never really feels like it, and i know it wont happen in a day or week but i don't know how to get better, i don't want to involve my family, they've seen enough of hospitals and have their own worries and all that. I'm so tired. I feel silly writing this, anyway, stay safe, you are loved <3

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