rock bottom

A bit of a vent

Time Spent- 14m
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I’m here because I am too afraid to write in my notes app in case someone finds it lol.

I really just want to grow and be optimistic about stuff but it’s so difficult for me. This is the most i’ve every cried in my life. This year tortured me so badly and forced me to grow, I’m grateful but it took away alot of my happiness and innocent perspectives on people and life.

I am terrified to think my friends might drift away from me and my family too. God, I love my parents to death but why do they have to say such hurtful stuff. I know we say mean stuff when we are angry but why would you tell your child you don’t want them anymore. She cut herself in front of me and showed me. There had to be no other reason but that it was my fault. She cut herself because of me. My own mother. The endless train of thoughts of my worries and 99 percent of them is my family and friends. They continue to give me reason to live. My siblings talk to me and we all see what kind of parents we have. No matter how much I talk to my parents about these issues, nothing changes and it’s a constant cycle of just waiting for those days to be over.

My friends are my everything. I am so scared to lose them. Lately, we have been going through this odd phase of not talking to each other like normally. I don’t blame them for anything but I just really need someone to be there for me. Lately, I’ve been going overboard with jokes and things have been getting out of hand. I talked to them but I don’t want to wonder when the next time this happens is.

I’m trying so hard to stay positive stay happy work hard Something keeps holding me back. It’s this disease that’s taking over my body mind and soul. It wants me to kill myself so badly but i cant let it. I want to be alive and i have so many plans for me and my future i just want it to be over. My friends and family i could see myself being happy and having fun with them. I just can’t handle stuff anymore. I don’t remember becoming this way.

I feel so guilty having thoughts like this and even pondering on my own death and cutting off my friends. Like why don’t I put effort into anything? How do I shut this all down and reset because this is my rock bottom.