I feel so much I dont know what my feelings are. I feel so much yet I feel numb and feel nothing at all.
Thanksgiving day 2020 , my parents are staying home because of covid. My mom has a very suppressed immune system. My oldest sister was staying home, so my middle sister and I were going to get together. Im in such a low place mentally I used the excuse I have the flu, now everyone is all worried about me and I have to keep this charade up for a week. All because I didn't have the want to get up and make pies. I slept all day. I haven't showered in a week. I just feel this deep deep emptiness. Why? I am on all kinds of meds for my depression. All I want to. do is sleep and cry and EAT. I could eat a horse yet that doesn't suffice me. But my kitchen is so gross I won't cook and I'm broke as a fucking joke so easy mac n cheese it is. My house is so cluttered which matches my mind. Im so overwhelmed with the clutter I have no idea where to begin, speaking of both physical and mental.
I want love. Someone to be by my side through thick and thin. Even when I'm so low and so dark I haven't showered in a week. Are you out there? I'm so afraid of not having enough time with you. People say timing is everything but I'm 40 we most likely won't get to celebrate our 50th anniversary. Where are you? I want you and I need you. I cry for you often and pray for you too. Please find me soon, I feel like I'm drowning. Toss me the preserver I promise to catch it.