2 months ago
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A Collection of Thoughts...

I feel so much I dont know what my feelings are. I feel so much yet I feel numb and feel nothing at all.

Thanksgiving day 2020 , my parents are staying home because of covid. My mom has a very suppressed immune system. My oldest sister was staying home, so my middle sister and I were going to get together. Im in such a low place mentally I used the excuse I have the flu, now everyone is all worried about me and I have to keep this charade up for a week. All because I didn't have the want to get up and make pies. I slept all day. I haven't showered in a week. I just feel this deep deep emptiness. Why? I am on all kinds of meds for my depression. All I want to. do is sleep and cry and EAT. I could eat a horse yet that doesn't suffice me. But my kitchen is so gross I won't cook and I'm broke as a fucking joke so easy mac n cheese it is. My house is so cluttered which matches my mind. Im so overwhelmed with the clutter I have no idea where to begin, speaking of both physical and mental.

I want love. Someone to be by my side through thick and thin. Even when I'm so low and so dark I haven't showered in a week. Are you out there? I'm so afraid of not having enough time with you. People say timing is everything but I'm 40 we most likely won't get to celebrate our 50th anniversary. Where are you? I want you and I need you. I cry for you often and pray for you too. Please find me soon, I feel like I'm drowning. Toss me the preserver I promise to catch it.

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2 months ago

Re: A Collection of Thoughts...

I have no clue if this will help, but I wish for someone like that too. I just grab a pillow, hug myself, and pretend someone else is telling me that everything will be alright. I have so many fake people that I never feel alone. I can fool myself well. Sorry if this makes you feel worse, I really want to help you though. I would be there for you any day if I could. I wish you good luck, just try to clean your house bit by bit ok? Don't rush anything over and you can always vent here when you feel like it.

A week... no shower? Weeeelll? might be able to handle that....3 days is about my limit...Any longer, I run the risk of Bavarian Bag Rot and maybe alil Fungi Scumboli...LOL...Mac &Cheese? mmm? not so much. Rather have raw turnips..gots any?. (breath GAAAG!..LOL) Now , the biggie.........NO PIES!!!! ITS THANKSGIVING FOR CHRISSAKES.... Thats.. thats ttTOATALLTY UNACCEPTABLE...OMG! THE HUMANITY!!! ARRRG.... WAAAA!!! (lil smile yet?..LOL)

Hey Girl, sorry to hear about Mom. I spent TGD alone as well. Only I think I "may" have eatin "little" better...LOL..Mom passed back in July, Oldman (84) went S to visit for a while...Doesnt sound like the meds are doing ya much good? "Sleep Cry and EAT" , been there too. Had severe CRIPPLING anxiety/ depression at 3 low points in life 18-19, 24-25, then again 33-35 while detoxing from C2 H5 OH. Havent had drink or depression since 95. Ya ever try to treat this Homeopathically? Once I studied up extensively about brain chemicals , good and bad, applied KEY vitamins, amino acids / select herbs, the healing began. Covid has really sprialed ALOTTA ppl to the dark depths, w/ plenty of evidence being right here. Its forced a de-humanizing way a life, VERY unnatural, (speshally for ppl closer to OUR ages.) Hells Bells, alotta ppl under 30 honestly dont seem to mind, as long as theres a roof over head,food and wifi. I SEW get your last paragraph as well.Like that last sentence especially....Been here a couple months, after posting my article cryin about gettin ZONED, I decided to hang here. Yeah, the 21st.... FAR CRY from the 20th aint it?..Hell, Id rather go back to 1820 than this..LOL...Anyway, I hope you at least got to jaw some with Mom and sisters and had enough mac & cheese to feel somewhat better? My mom(81) passed in july so its been a WEIRD TGD as well this yr. If ya ever decide to drop the meds and treat your symtoms more naturally, I could at least share what I took personally that cured me all 3 times, w/ the help of my Mom....Anyway, just wanted to stop by, be a goofball alittleto seef you'd smile? and share a bit w/ ya. If writing here has helped, stop back by and share more, if ya feel comfortable...Take care!