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A confession

(Warning: Suicide, foul language, mentions of needles/spiders)

This is really dumb. Instead of going to my friends to confess this, here I am writing it in some anonymous site that I found-

Anyways, let’s cut to the chase. Ever since June 10th, 2020, I have felt that I deserve to die. Me and a friend got in an argument and we both said some mean things- But what he said had stuck with me. I felt really bad for what I had done, but he had never forgiven me- So I started trying everything to get him to do so. And eventually, I thought; “Maybe, if I suffered and died, I could be forgiven.”

So, I had started a notes page titled, “Reasons why I should die.” I had listed screenshots of insults, written down insults, written about these “reasons-“ All of that stuff. The insults included things like bitch, cunt, whore- All of those things being insults that people had used on me, of course.

I also began having moments which I titled “despair.” Periods of time where everything felt hopeless, and where I felt that I had to die, despite my fear of death.

Luckily, parts of this had gotten better! Though, some other parts of my mental state got much worse- My anxiety peaked, I’ve been having thoughts involving stabbing needles into my body- Needles are really fucking scary. I would also freak out when I would see spiders, which would usually lead to me being incredibly paranoid. And on top of that, I get anxious from physical contact or other people’s presence- Which really conflicts with my want and need for physical affection. (Hugs and stuff, nothing weird)

So, I feel like I’ve rambled on for long enough, so I’ll just say- Thank you for reading this, in case anyone actually has. I feel like nobody will, and my problems are incredibly insignificant compared to others listed here- But despite that, thank you. I may not know you, but I am really grateful. Even if nobody reads this, it’s really refreshing to get off of my chest.

Oh, and I apologize if my writing is messy- And that I’ve gone on for so long about this. So, I’ll take my leave now- bYe!