I think I loved you. Maybe I always have but I never realized it. Even when it came to mind I would always push it away, dismissing it in attempt to avoid falling harder. I've always noticed and thought about how we work well together and how we've known each other for years. We call all night and dont stop till the suns light peaks through the blinds of our windows. Recently I realized that we used to stay up all night before whether its playing Minecraft at ungodly hours or calling talking nonsense. Do you even realize that? How long we've actually known each other and how much we have actually talked, I dont get how you're still a mystery to me. You're not someone who likes to talk about their problems and relish on it, you recognize your issues and accept it in which it makes me question you more. How is it that all of a sudden one day you started saying "I love you." We both know you dont say that even to the people you value. So why did you say it to me? I always pretended like I didnt hear what you just said until you mentioned how I dont say it back. I gave in and said "I love you too" laughing immediately afterwards. Deep down I knew I meant it but I was so reluctant to admit it because saying it back meant letting myself come to terms with a feeling I have always disregarded. One day I mentioned how I believe that your "I love yous" wasn't genuine and your voice in your response told me otherwise. I refuse to believe it anyways but of course I wanted it to be true. That night we stayed up again till the sun started rising, I mentioned how the sun is coming up and your stupid self said "wow thats romantic as fuck." I dont remember what happened afterwards but after some time I said "if only you were here with me" and to my surprise in how your voice still echoes repeatedly in my head you said "I wish I was." How stupid is it that you always said this kind of stuff was cringey yet there you were saying sweet nothings that were going to hurt me in the next weeks.That kind of stuff hasn't happened in awhile, I wonder what happened. I wonder why I let myself believe you or if what you even said was genuine. Were you just messing with me? Was I stupid enough to trust you, you dont even know how I actually felt. So were we just making jokes or was something hidden in those calls we had that week? Its frustrating that I dont even know the answer myself and I miss those moments. I feel embarrassed and pathetic that I let myself think for a second that you care the way I do you. I'll switch back to reality after awhile and pretend that one week never happened. That it was just a dream. A dream that I wish I hadn't dreamt.painfully,the girl who'd give everything