Ever since I could remember I have felt insecure about myself. I was too thin, too ugly, too tall, later too fat. I could only attract losers for these very reasons, I was easy prey. They sensed my insecurities and so their attention I acknowledged. When I did find someone worthy they left me in the lurches. With a broken heart I found solace writing to strangers online, nothing romantic or flirtatious just a place where no on knew me. I met my husband there who was also suffering from an aching heart fresh from a break up. I stayed his friend and friends with many until one day I realised I had to stop hiding behind the virtual world and face the real world. So I sent goodbye notes to all but my husband wld not let go as he wanted a friend whom he could share things which he cldnt with his friends. So I stayed his friend, which graduated into chats and phone calls until one fine day my grandmother and cousins put an end to it. I guess prohibition makes u yearn more for what cannot be had and so we continued to converse behind everyones backs. He must have been desp to hold on or confused for he soon proposed. I like him too but I feel I should have given him the space and time to rethink. Years later we married. Like most relationships we had rough patches until I realised he was cheating on me a few years back. I let it go and we renewed our relationship but I noticed he was keeping in touch with his ex who broke his heart. I asked him to stop at the time I had caught him cheating with another woman. He did not seem to. This is the woman that had broken him and I was one of the people who helped put the pieces back together. His emails to his ex had the same warmth of the ones he sent to me during out initial days. The pattern was the same. While I know I cannot change someone's feelings for another person I realised years back I should have helped him forgive and get back with his then ex instead of letting him into my life. It was my selfishness, my insecurity then that I took advantage of and so today or suffer the consequences. I realised that I am in the longest rebound relationship ever (17 years).