a friend but an enemy

i’m so fucking torn and don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. i had an old friend ben, and his younger brother told me he was being sexually assaulted by his father. my mom made the decision to call cps, but ben couldn’t smoke for like 2 months because of cps. i miss him. he decided to tell hundreds of people, out of anger that he couldn’t smoke, that i called cps because i didn’t like him smoking. i cant go a day in school without someone yelling at me that i’m a snitch. people i don’t even recognize. i cant even meet people similar to him and those friends because i’m afraid they’ll already hate me from hearing the rumors. people want me dead and no one knows what actually happened, and i’m so afraid that if i try to tell those people they’ll just beat me up. i have no one anymore. i’m really fucking close to ending it. those people who believe the rumor will be happy i’m dead anyways, they think i’m some asshole untrustworthy prick who turned on his friend and then disappeared. but i’m just hiding in my sorrow. and i cant get myself out. the lie has spread too far. there’s no escaping this anymore. i’m at a point where i sneak out and watch all my old friends walk around to go smoke at 4am on the weekends hoping they’ll notice me, maybe they’ll come over and see if i’m ok after recognizing me. but no, i just sit in the shadows, listening to whirr, crying and watching people live their lives. i cant fucking do this anymore.