T/W: Intrusive ThoughtsHello, world. It's me. Again. I've written 8 letters on this site so far. Thank you for not judging. I'm here to confess something. If I tell this to someone, they'd think I need professional help.Sometimes I wonder how it feels to die.Damn, that's deep. Let me explain it further. So sometimes, when I go to sleep or get extremely sad, I imagine how it feels to die. Not through suicide, because I don't have the courage to do that (also, I believe in hell. also, life has so much to offer me). It's more on dying at the hands of an external source. Is it painful? Does it hurt? How long does it last?I'm afraid of actual pain tho. I can't stand a single prick of a needle, nor a scratch that can last for weeks.I guess I think like this because all my life I've cared for other people. Not through actions tho, but through words. I ask if they're okay, if they're doing just fine. Sometimes, I imagine these things to see how many people genuinely care about me in return (then again, if something happens to you, suddenly everyone cares about you). I guess that feeling of concern, of caring, of feeling loved...I guess it's something that I long for.I also think that people around me always suffer. There are times when I ask myself, why them and not me? Why good people? Why not me? Someone once told me that I'm not a good person, so why them?I feel like it's unhealthy. It is unhealthy. I need to think of better things when I sleep. I also need to find a new hobby, and find other stuff to fill my mind. Right now, I'm thinking of swimming, but the clubhouse is closed right now. Maybe biking will do.Please don't worry about me. I'm doing just fine. I'm not going to do anything risky. It's just, maybe this is an existential crisis that's been going on for years now. Is this something that I should talk about with a psychiatrist? We can't afford therapy right now, and maybe not ever. Therapy, although needed, is often a stigma where I live in. This is pretty deep. Sorry, world.