hey you.
i know we havent really talked or texted ever since you ended things. i can see your efforts in trying to check on me, and while i appreciate that, i cant help but feel anger. i hate that you made me stay on earth longer than i decided to. you stopped me from almost leaving and left me alone. i hate you for this.
do you know why i dont even try to keep the conversation going? why do i reply after days, or say i'll talk when im better, but never really get back to you on how i feel? because if i do tell you how i really am, how things are at home, how im actively looking for ways to kms again, i might actually open up to you again. and i might tell you how i hate you, and i might ask you to leave my life forever, block you everywhere. and then it will actually be over, this friendship. im still thinking if we should be in each other's lives. the thing is, i dont trust you anymore, no matter how many times youre gonna say that youre always there to listen, the thing is, im not going to be saying anything again, especially to you.
im also not opening up to you anymore because i feel that you dont actually want to talk and that youre only actually talking out of guilt and pity for me or for yourself. i dont want pity, i only wanted genuine love, even it were from friendship.
you know how you love the moon, and how you are practically obsessed with it. and how for some reason you told me that i was like the moon the night you ended things. though i really dont understand why you said that, guess what, you WERE the moon to me. its easy to be the sun, everyone wants to be the sun in someone's life. but being the moon, on a dark night, showing up when everything is unbearably hard, that's not something everyone wants to be. the moon gave hope to the sailors lost at sea, guided them after a stormy night. the moon gave assurance that daytime was just around the corner. thats what you were to me. you helped me hang on to what little hope i had, made me stay through some of my toughest times. i wish i could do the same for you. i wish we were still in each other's lives. so basically, imysmbictybikydecam
i loved you, maybe a little too much. i dont even know how to put into words how much i did. but you taught me an important lesson, a quote that i often saw but didnt really hit hard until after you. that love isnt enough to keep someone in your life, no matter how deep that love is. i didnt lose anything, i only gave, and i know that there's more love in me and it never really finishes. but i hope you know and realize that you lost a girl who was ready to give you the entire world to you. but at the same time, if that wasnt love, whatever i had for you, then im afraid i dont know what love is at all. and that scares me to the core. right now, i dont love you anymore, or at least i dont think i do.
i realize now, that you and i wouldn't have worked out. and you did us both a favour by ending things quickly. youre too much like my father. i think one of the reasons why i loved you was because you did and said the things my father didnt, and was more of a father to me emotionally than my own father was to me. i thank you for that. but, your idea of love is flawed; very similar to my father's ways. and when i realized that, i knew that you and i, would never last. you wouldnt be able to handle me for who i am, you just cant. i am beyond the movie-love that you fantasize, what i want is a life partner, a partner for life and its shit, not a "happily ever after" which doesnt exist. i want shit that lasts, none of the flimsy rom-com things. i dont know if i will ever find him or her, my life partner, especially now after ive lost all hope in mankind and their ability to love. but i know that you still matter to me, more than you will ever know (because you'll never read this). but i'd rather you think me to be a cold-hearted bitch that leaves you on read for days or hours, who shows no emotion anymore. its called trust issues, and guess who just built their walls higher.
and to end this letter, maybe try rearranging the bolded words, if you want. maybe you'll see the message in my next letter? i do hope this letter reaches you after ive left this planet.
-H