when the panic riseslike a knife, it cleaves me from myselfand I watch my wounds weep bloodas much as I want to feel it, taste the iron, writhe in the sensation of external pain,all that’s on fire is my soul. God, what I wouldn’t give for it to go awayI’ve contemplated death before, but I know it isn’t right for me at least not a solution that would workbecause my thoughts may only fling me into helland keep my soul on firewhen I would rather feel my weeping cutsoozing blood, taste the iron, watch the crimson snaking down the body I fucking hate I want to stab every inch that he touchedplaces he had no right but pretended he claimedthey said my body was a temple, that it’s my fault it’s been maimed that I knew it was wrong, but how could I have stopped it?holding me hostage with his teeth sinking into my neck. it kept me from screaming, I was barely breathing made me believe it was all I could do to save him made me believe his life was my responsibility at 14 years old, it was my job to save a 22-year-old child all while he took my own youth away fingers scraping, flicking, pressing, painfulwondering if this time, maybe it’ll be enoughwondering if this time, he’ll treat me betterwondering if this time, maybe I really do want itknowing that I was in too deep for anyone to save me knowing that after everything he did to me, I would be the one punishedhow I want to let your name slip, nowtaint the life you tried to keep cleanwhen all the while, your ink stained my sheetsand forced me to write, say, believe a truth you fed me fuck you to the depths of hellfor making my soul catch firefor making me weep blood for eleven yearsfor ripping me from joy, family, friendsfor making me a slave to you and now my own mind. You said you feel immense guilt, but that’s all you have. you don’t have the writhing agony of terrorthe sleepless nights cut away by memoriesthe parts of you, 14, 16, 18staring at you and wondering “when can we come back together?”god, I want you to pay. I want to hear why you did it to me. I want others to know why. you may have had a past of painbut that gave you NO FUCKING RIGHT to pass it on to MEYOU are to blameYOU YOU YOU YOUand if there’s any consolation in hellas my soul is ravaged by flamesIt’s only that you’re there, too.