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A Note To Him.

Hey, it's been a while. I hope you are well. I've told everyone i'm over you and no longer think of you when in reality, yes i may be over you, but not a day goes by where i don't think of you. I walked out on you. Not because i didn't love you but because i loved you so much that i wanted what was best for us - we wouldn't have lasted and i tried to prevent a bigger heartbreak. we lost all contact. Fast forward a few months, we got into contact again. I missed you. We spoke all day everyday like nothing had changed but see here's the thing, the thing that fucking hurt. You moved on in two weeks. Two damn weeks and i had to find out from somebody else. I had no right to be sad or pissed but i was. i distanced from you while your girlfriend tormented me. I couldn't care less about her because lets be real she was being hella immature. Then you guys broke up and we started speaking again until you slowly stopped trying. Calls became texts. Paragraphs became sentences. You replies after hours, sometimes days always making excuses. But i was blind to them thinking i deserved this because i broke your heart. I still do think i deserved this. Then i admitted everything to you, told you i still loved you in hopes to fix things but i was fucking stupid to do so i should've known the second i broke your heart we were nothing. You made me vulnerable. You knew i loved you but just said 'sorry, i didn't know you felt that way' and hey i didn't deserve love after what i did to you so i completely understood but here's what hurt. You and me were unbelievably close for a while but you never had the audacity to tell me you got back with her. Yes i didn't have a right to know but i also did because if i knew i wouldn't have acted the way i did i'm not trying to make you look like the bad guy here because i am but really? Anyways, it's been a few months and i've thought everything through. You weren't by first love but my first attachment. I miss you from time to time. But there are no butterflies - I've killed them. Call me psychotic but i acted like i didn't care until i really didn't. But you see the problem with that was i forced myself to believe it until it was true. I never really let go of you, of us. So this is what this is - Letting go.