Huh, I'm a 26 y.o. woman
Have never been in a relationship.
Been on 2 dates my whole life, not ever contacted after one of them
Have 1 quasi-friend since school that I see 2-3 times per year
I'm not even close to my mom
I'm miserable. I don't think I've ever admitted this to anyone else in my whole life. But I'm miserable. Truly, absolutely fucking miserable.
I got an okay job with an okay salary. During the last 6 months I've been making more than average person in my town/country. But it's a job I have no say in. I'm supposed to be one of the key members of the team, but I got no say in anything. I don't see it going anywhere. Sure, I'm not digging ditches, but I accomplished nothing career-wise despite making decent amount of money.
I don't get close to people easily. It can take several years for me to get comfortable around the people I see every day. I don't think I can bring any value to anybody's life, so why would anyone really want me there.
Nobody has ever been really interested in me. I know I seem unapproachable, but I don't know how to be otherwise. Why would I want to be approachable if no one has been interested. Why would I want somebody if no one wants or would want me.
The worst part is I know it's pathetic, the way I am. But the truth is, I'm scared. So fucking scared and so fucking lonely.
But too proud to ever admit this to anyone else. Because who'd want to deal with this, right?
Most of the time I'n ashamed of feeling this way. Because I'm supposed to be a grown-up with real-life problems, not this shit.
My best friend since childhood I haven't seen for almost a year just told me she can give me two hours of her day tomorrow because she doesn't want to leave her BF of over a year she lives with and sees every single day alone with her mom so he wouldn't feel uncomfortable. Except she has been away and left him with her mom for literally a week just a week ago to go on a vacation with her other friend, but she can spare me the whole two hours. Last three times I've met with her, her BF was there every single fucking time.
I know it's fucking petty and childish on my part, but it hurt. That it's okay to give time to everybody else, but I'm not good enough for that. At least don't pretend I'm your best friend then.
I don't complain to people in my life, I'm not clingy. I've always kept it "cool" as much as I can so I don't put people off. I've never want to bother people. I don't want to show anyone that I want somebody to want me. If I don't want anyone it can't hurt me when no one wants me.
Fuck. I sound like a fucking selfish teenager and tomorrow I'll regret this whole thing and I'll think it was stupid and pathetic to write any of this. I already think that. But the worst thing is that all of it is true. Every single word.
I think I need help. I know I need it. But I don't know where to get it, I know I won't be taken seriously.