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A story of mine (part 1)

Hi, I am 23 year old and I wanna talk about something happened with me, cometely honestly without playing mind games without trying to make it seem less pathetic than it really is and without making myself seem less messed up..

So it started a little over a year ago, when I had trouble getting over the love of my life, trying every possible scenario to forget someone I deeply cared about and who simply didn't love me back anymore..

So I used an app to talk to people and distract myself, after that everything started to crumble..

I posted one time that I keep texting my ex and I don't wanna do that anymore.. someone replied and said then let's talk..

I texted him, I usually didn't do stuff like that and I thought well it's going to be just a one time thing .. to be fair he was hot and I thought a bit of fun won't hurt anyone..

it hurt me..

So the story starts here..

We talked and it was an interesting convo, and it was fun, I made this little huge mistake that I compared him to my ex and looking for similarities in them (even though they're really not similar at all) I was looking for a person I love in a stranger which made me go blind..

We kept talking days and days..

To be fair, there was BUNCH of red flags in the first few times we talked , it was obvious they were there for me saying dodge this bullet... But I ignored them and that's on me, everything was MY FAULT and I know that..

The guy always tried to turn our conversations into sexual comments or trying to get me to say weird stuff, send him photos and always be available for him, even though he wasn't, after few weeks, it was a short while after we talked we were speaking on the phone and he said he loved me, I was shocked but I knew I didn't love him, for some reason I replied I love you too (seriously what the actual fuck???) i dont know why I said it but after that I spoke to him saying that I'm confused and I am not emotionally available.. and I tried to be nice about it, he obviously changed behaviour but then he told me that he wants to tell me how he feels about me even if it's not mutual I was ok with it and stuff then I got blinded by it, I did like him but didn't really love him, it wasn't that deep for me, I always felt something was off about him and everything ..

He'd always disappear and say stuff that don't add up and I just didn't care because he wasn't important to me that much..

The problem is that I started to get emotionally attached, I did, he distracted me from my demons and thoughts and I loved the attention he gave me...

sorry for the long post if you're reading say something, thanks

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A story of mine (part 2)

I didn't open up to him but he always said he'd want me to tell him stuff because he isn't a shallow person..

Little did I know that it was his way to know how he could manipulate and use me..

All these red flags I saw and ignored, all the lied I caught and ignored .. it's all on me ..

One day I found out that he has kids and he was lying to me about them being his sister's.. and I was shocked, he made up some lie about it and kept saying sorry and that he can't imagine not talking to me..

A month later he tells me he is going to work release (jail or whatever ) it was about another lie he made up I guess.. I was supportive of him trying to make him feel better constantly.. but then he accidentally calls me and he was talking to a woman saying weird stuff and her laughing, again he makes up a lie about it to cover up other lies and writes me a huge apology and love bs ..

He went to jail and contacted me for a month, then disappeared for 2, I was worried I wanted to know what's going on and whatever .. then he emails me saying he was in the hospital which I suppose it was a lie too.. he'd reply every few hours or days saying how he is and some lies using something I believe in.. then He suddenly stops replying, weeks pass and I decide to do some digging.. and I found the truth ..

Turns out not only he has kids, but he was also engaged to another woman, and she found out about him talking to me by chance, and he stopped replying because he promised her not to talk to me ever again if he wants her to stay with him..

She claimed that he was suffocating her with love after she found out and blah blah blah ..

I was really shocked, mostly because I let him use me and manipulate me, emotionally and mentally, I cut out many details but he used me sexually (always wanting to talk about sexual fantasies and telling em what he wants to do or wants me to do)

I did find it horrible and I really wanted to cut him out but he'd always instantly say sorry and that he shouldn't speak that way and make me feel bad about it..

He also said he was a drug addict and has been clean for 5 years and his fiance said it was only for one year and that lying so much is part of addicts behaviour...

I'm over it now, and I know that I was to blame for talking to a stranger and for not being careful..

But it really messed me up, I can't trust anyone or get close to anyone.. I feel like it shocked me so much that I feel like I've become a boring, dull person.. someone who's unlikeable and obnoxious, always feeling empty and it really messed up my grades and many things about me..

I've become really susceptible and I can't trust anyone..

sorry i know it's sort of messed up, but please don't be harsh on me as I am on me .. thanks for reading

I couldn't trust anyone and I didn't know what to do or how to deal with it..

I talked to my best friend who happened to be the ex I loved and he listened to me, he tried his best and I really am grateful for him and for everything he's done to me.. but he never considered how it would affect me, he basically told me that it happens a lot and to get over it.. he was the only one I trusted left and he started to get more distant as the time passed , he said he wasn't ignoring me he was just busy but I know it's just an excuse .. which made me become more annoying and obnoxious and he didn't wanna talk to me ever again, he's become mean to me and always blaming me or getting mad at me for any reason ..

It hurt a lot but he never thought about how his backlashes would affect me, especially during that time and a pandemic and many problems I've had .. he ignored my feelings wanting me to understand his, while I tried my best to keep things normal .. but I was overlooked and ignored and unloved..

I felt the most lonely and empty, I just wanted someone to talk to, not to vent but just to talk..

He still doesn't get it..

He started to ignore me, never talks to me and out of loneliness I still send him emails hoping he would reply, knowing he won't ..

Now I'm alone trying to pass the days as good as I can, trying to focus and improve, but at the end of each day I can't help but think about how I miss him and hope he is doing better than me..