A story of sexual regret

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When i was sixteen years old, I babysat two kids who were nine and six. They were the grandchildren of a dear family friend and I saw them from time to time at his house. We always got along well and the kids liked to play games and wrestle with me. The bond that we had was made apparent to their mother and she asked me to babysit them. On this particular evening, she and her husband wanted to have a parent date night without the kids and I was to be the caretaker for the evening. She had made dinner and we retreated to the basement where we watched cartoons together.

Eventually, as the evening progressed we started to wrestle. The younger one would jump off of a couch and literally body slam his opponents (myself and his brother). His brother had a different style and liked to roll around on the ground. I entertained both approaches and we all got a good workout. However, the evening took a different tone for myself during this period.

As a teenager and one who was confused about myself and my identity, I sometimes took actions that I regretted. And indeed, I am ashamed to say that I had some attraction for the older of the two boys. I do not know where this attraction came from, but I was drawn to his form. I knew he was a kid and I have always liked kids and this story remains with me today because I regret those feelings to a great degree. I remember that as we were wrestling, I put my hands on his back side and I touched his bottom. I caressed it several times and I felt that I had a slight erection. I remember he said "that feels so good." I later grabbed his crotch area when I would pick him up as we wrestled. I put my hands on his crotch.

We finished wrestling and I took the younger kid upstairs and he went to bed. I returned to his brother in the basement and we continued to watch cartoons. Occasiaonly we would continue to mock wrestle and I would pick him up and each time hold him by his crotch area. He did not seem to notice anything and I felt some rush of sexual pleasure from the action. However, after I had done this multiple times, he looked at me as if he noticed that I had touched him in that area. When I saw that he may have noticed, I stopped immediately. What followed was shame and regret on my part. I told him that he had to go to bed and he pleaded to stay up and watch the olympics opening ceremony. I said that his mom had instructed me to put him to bed at a certain time and it was now late. I remember that I was slightly annoyed and I may have been too strict with him. This was however a result in some way of my deep regret that I felt for what I had done. When his parents returned, he was still awake and his dad let him watch the olympics and stay up later. They paid me cash and I left for the evening.

I do not know if he ever really noticed what I had done. It happened over the course of a few minutes and we were all fully clothed. For myself, a porn addict from the age of twelve, I longed for something sexual in my life. And yet, the confusion from this act and my general feelings of sexual identity remain an area of deep pain and regret. In fact, I do not go a day without thinking about it. My main fear is that I have somehow damaged this kid in those few moments. I worry that I have impacted his own relationship with sexuality and sex. And I am still very much confused about why I did it. I really do love kids and I have never done anything like it again. In fact, it would be a horror for me to think of hurting a child in any way.

I do not know what this story means for me or for him. And yet, I wish to share it with him or his mom. I wish to come clean and tell them for their sake and ( in some way) for my own. He is now an adult (early 20s). Should I tell him? As I noted before, I do not even know if he noticed even though he definitely did say "that feels so good" when I massaged his back side while wrestling. This story has plagued me for many years. It is now 2021, many years later, and I do not know where I stand sexually. I have been with many men who I found on hookup apps, but each interaction has left me with shame and regret. On the one hand I do not think I am actually gay and on the other hand, I think that I am lying to myself. I cannot remember a time in my life when I was not sexually aware of men. But this has always been a desire to touch them and, i guess, molest them sexually. I have always wanted to touch men in sexual ways but I have never felt at peace with any hookup.

To anyone who reads this, know that I regret the action that I took. Know that I suffer on a daily basis with regret, shame, and confusion. I do not know what path to take next. And it is so hard to talk about these issues with anyone because it is taboo and treated with intense disdain. I have since babysat many kids and I have always taken the job seriously and with the highest moral standards.

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