Where can you go when you are sitting at 5am fully awake and have such a terrible breakthrough that you cannot say it out loud? Well, I dont know the answer so I am here.
Some background, I am a mum of 5 who has suffered various degrees of depression during pregnancy and after. I take antidepressants anxiety meds and insomnia meds so I have been to the Dr and until covid struck I was reassessed regularly.
I'm on my own with the children and my ex is father to only the youngest. I bonded with her strongly as a baby, rejecting my moses basket to pay put for a next to me crib so she wasn't too far. I even had her in the bath with me and she settled best if she had me or my dressing gown.
Things started to change when I went to work when she was around 9 months old. I had to work because her dad got fired so he stayed home with the kids. As a dad he was good and attentive and nothing was too much trouble. I came to find that as a partner and indeed an adult...... he completely failed (that's a whole different blog post for another day).
So.... to this realisation that has me sat here in tears and I am kinda afraid to even write it because as soon as it leaves my head it's real. The reason I feel like the most horrible person in the world right now is because I have lost the bond with my youngest. I dont dislike her, I dont want to hurt her, I love her but I feel almost numb.
I have a complicated relationship with myself and a motivation level that makes a sloth look hyper and I cannot seem to break out of it. I can rationally step back and see reasons or causes as to why I feel this way but I don't know how to fix it. I dread going to sleep at night because I know I will be forced to get out of bed and face the world when I wake.
I am failing as a human let alone a mother and I feel like I'm dragging everyone else down with me. I dont want to die or anything so extreme, this is not a cry for help. I just do not want to say out loud these terrible things about myself but they tearing my mind and my heart apart.
Anyway, if you got this far you have my heartfelt thanks. No-one could make me feel worse about myself than I do on a daily basis but I still hope you do not think too badly of me. I am struggling, hurting and feel like I'm drowning in a series of daily tasks that should be a breeze, cleaning cooking etc.
I truly hope that sometime soon I can be brave enough to speak to someone but until then I will try to get through each day.