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A thought

I have set and read a lot of stuff on here but have never posted. I am 36 years old with Christian views. But I have my whole life hid who I truly am. I knew I was gay when I was younger but it goes against my religious views. I have attempted to force this out of my life in many ways but knowing truly it would never go away. I met my best friend about 6 years ago now. He was the one who brought up the question to me. He still the only person who actually knows. But I feel as if it is making me a hateful bitter person because I can never truly be who I am based off my religious views alone. This struggle has continued with nobody to talk to or anybody to trust. I feel as if I live on an alien planet and nobody cares.