You ever get the urge to just scream? Like a primal scream? I do, pretty frequently. Sometimes it's like I can feel it crawling around inside my head and I just cannot let it out. I'm too afraid to. It's been a very long time since I gave any attention to my rage. For the most part, I've directed it inward and I only take it out on myself now. Unless someone really hurts me and that's hard to do because I don't have anyone that's super close to me.My rage exists right now because I am so tired of being lonely. It's been a bit over 6 months since my last breakup and I'm over it. But i can't move on, I'm so tired of going through this. I just want one woman for the rest of my life and I know everything thats expected of me to be worthy of that. 99.9% of those expectations, I don't meet. So I'd have to be extraordinarily lucky to find a woman who would ever consider having a relationship with me. Let alone staying and growing old together.So I just keep putting it off and stalling and it's so bad that I cant even take care of myself because I know that once I start, I know what the objective is and I cannot trust myself to be able to do all of that stuff so I just sit and waste and I wish I could just let it out.Don't get me wrong, I'd love to find that 1 special woman who would love me until my dying day. I just don't believe It will ever happen and I don't know why I keep wasting my time on it. Love just wasn't made for me, not in the way that I want it.I'm just pathetic. I always have been since I was born. With all this trauma that people can see on me, nobody likes getting too close and those who do, always end up hating me in the end. So it's just this constant circle of what ifs and because and I'm just not capable if moving forward because i can't honestly believe that I'll ever succeed. I'm 37, I haven't worked for over 10 years. I'm on disability because of all my mental issues. Though it doesn't stop me from being capable of loving someone else. I'm a really good guy, I just don't have anything to show for my life and who could ever honestly want something like me?The answer is no one. So I punish myself. I take away things I do to pass the time, to try to escape my loneliness and for a while, writing has been my way of just staying in this constant cycle. I'm not convinced that writing does me any good. So I don't even know what the point of writing all of this really even is.I suppose I just have to get it out, no matter how many times it decides to come out. No amount of thinking or analyzing is going to fix me, therapy can't fix me, medication can't fix me so what can?The only time I feel alright is when I'm with a woman and I wish that weren't the case. I've studied my thoughts inside and out, I've tried everything to stop this, I've tried to kill off this desire to find a partner and it just never goes away and I don't understand why.I've been hurt and burned but I know I can't hold that over someone else's head and I'm not going to. I'm just so tired of this. The fighting in my head is just so had that I frequently think about suicide. I'm just so tired of it all.All I've ever asked from this world was just 1 woman who could love me. Why is that so much to ask??? I just can't figure out out. Other than the fact that I am just worthless and unworthy of the love I seek.And it's just a vicious mess that devours me alive, while part of me continues to struggle to want to believe. It's just all consuming and I can't deal with it anymore but I can't just go out and be with anyone. I won't ever do that again.I try to talk myself into taking care of myself and my life and that in 2 years or so I could be ready for a lasting relationship. But why even bother? Long term relationships are getting to be fewer and farther between. My first serious relationship lasting over 7 years. My second lasted for a bit over 8 months. My third lasted for almost 5 years and my fourth lasted for a but over 2 years.Notice a trend at all?So I keep wishing and hoping and then I kill off that wishful thinking because no woman would ever choose to be with me, ever and even if she did, she wouldn't stay. Because I don't deserve that.So I just sit and waste and beat the crap out of myself and some days are better than others, but it's never to a point that I feel ok. Don't ask why I need this, I don't know honestly. Childhood trauma, lifelong dream, mix of both pulse other stuff, who knows? All I know is that it will not go away, no matter how much i try to change about myself. It is the one constant within me and I'm just so tired of it. I'm an atheist, i could never believe in a God. So that's not the answer. I'm straight and I love the female body, so going gay or bi isn't an option either. I need the touch of a woman, to feel her love, so getting pets aren't gonna help either.There is no answer for this except the obvious one and I can't allow myself to accept that and it drives me so freaking nuts that some days, I'm ready to just toss it all out of the window and just go and find a woman, not caring about the fact that she will inevitably leave and how many times I'll face rejection just to find that one.I'm monogamous, so dating multiple women is also out of the question. I'm just asking for 1 woman, that's all I want from this place we call reality. Someone who I can kiss and cuddle with and do the dishes with and go on little adventures with and smile with and just love through and through. Like I said, I'm not a bad guy. Nor am I a "nice guy". I don't have covert contracts. I have expectations and i make those expectations known. I'm too old to be putting up with someone who doesn't speak my love language. But again, I'm just a nobody. There's nothing special about me at all. I've lost almost all passion for life, but being in love can bring out my playful side, so it's like I'm 2 different people. This is me when I'm single and alone. The me that exists when I'm with a woman is playful and silly, very affectionate, loves terms of endearment, and is comfortable with her doing whatever she wants. So long as it's within reason. The only things I expect is affection and lots of it, especially in the beginning. Honesty, open communication and loyalty. That's pretty much it.I don't demand that she look a specific way or be a specific weight or observe a particular religion. I don't really care about all that superficial stuff. I care about what makes her who she is, her experiences. So I can love her properly and show her how beautiful she actually is, inside and out. But I'll never get that chance because nobody wants to he with a thing like me. I'm just worthless and we all know it. If I had the balls, i would just end this already because asking anybody to love me is just asking too much and I should pay for that sin. I deserve this pain, otherwise I wouldn't be enduring it.