it's so hard to keep up this mask. every day i wake up, thinking, "why do i even try? what am i even living for?" my parents are sick and probably dying, it won't be long till i get infected and die right along with them. that would be a mercy. the world is a horrible place, i don't want to be a part of it anymore. i want to escape. i want to leave. but do i want to die..? i don't know. i don't know anymore. what's wrong with me? why do i never know what to do? how to act? how to laugh? how to feel? i don't even remember how it feels to talk to someone, without lying and hiding something. i'm falling apart. my mind is breaking. i can feel everything falling around me, shattering and melting away into nothingness. it's hopeless. i can't remember how it felt, accomplishment, glee.. it's gone. i don't know what's happening in my life anymore, i can't even control when i sleep and when i wake. my own mind slips from my fingers like dry sand. my own thoughts aren't mine anymore. my body is heavy, chained down by things i don't even understand. i don't knowi don't knowi don't know i don't know i don't know i dont know i dont wodin i dont iknow i dont ikow inawddawndalwdhkafwlihIjksfhaew.fo. all i know now is that i have to disappear. i hate myself. no one cares. i want to escape this place. but do i?