I figured out im afraid of vulnerability with guys. I have been saying im a lesbian to everyone so I can hide that feeling and avoid ever feeling a connection with them.
I really was affected by my past.. all this time i thought i was good. I'm using the lesbian excuse as a clutch. As a way to control my thoughts feelings and actions. I greatly fear losing that control I have.
Literally even thinking about this makes me feel like i'm turning pale.
What do I do now? I don't know this me. I'm lost as to what my next move is. Do I tell them I'm actually bisexual now? Everyone I lied to? Do I cry or something? What are my normal healthy boundaries? I can't differentiate between anxiety and normal healthy boundaries. I'm really not sure if I'm going to do any of this right because it all feels so wrong.
My brain feels like it's fucking yelling at me so It can prevent me from ever letting go.It feels wrong but I know everyone will tell me this is a great step to take. It feels like I can't trust my own feelings right now because they're lying to me, forcing me to put up that wall again and feel safe.