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Addiction

I have been battling addiction for 5 years. I felt I wasn’t that “bad.” But, now I see it differently. I see that my addictions comes first in my life. It has power over me. Which only God should. That craving that you know you can/should get past and yet can’t. The way you freak out in fear by the thought of not using. I’d rather starve than go without a substance. I feel broken and hopeless. I’ve watched many people recover on my journey, but I keep relapsing. It feels like I’m doomed. I feel God is not going to love me unless I’m clean and sober. I feel that I will never be happy in life. It’s been 3 days of me wanting to hurt myself. I’m angry at me for not being able to give up these destructive things in my life. I know better. I should do better. I no longer trust anyone to be there for me. Which is making this harder. I do way better with a sponsor and fellowship of AA. God please help me to let go of addiction.