Hello.... uhh not sure how to start this but this is a new world to me. I thought maybe it might help to just write some thing and have it unassociated and just... out there. Long story short, I've lived as a merchant mariner for many years now, but I've recently put that all behind me. I've seen more than my fair share of fights, divorces, alcoholism, debachery... yadda yadda, but it never really bothered me. At least I thought it didn't. All these years I kept a calm head and never thought of sailing as my life. I never did anything I'd regret, never participated in anything I thought was wrong. Hell more than enough oppurtunity for me to go find a hooker bar, get drunk off my ass or do all the drugs I wanted, within reason. But I never did. I never saw a point and still don't because it would just be a waste of money I've literally bled and sweat for. Fast forward to now, especially with covid, isolation is a friend. I never resented its presence but it was always there. Covid is nothing new in the sense of isolation from loved ones. But these days I'm finding I had this idea in my head of how perfect my loved ones where, and the more I am not sailing now, maybe this view is being challenged. As much as I resented sailing it helped me detach from the world. But I'm finding the more I am around people now the angrier and more volatile I am getting, especially around loved ones. I'm having outbursts over trivial things too that concerns me, like what time we'll be eating dinner or who will be cooking. I'm starting to think I might have a mental disorder and should seek professional help. Maybe it's just the stress of a new job but I'm worried because I've had more vocal outburst now than I did all my years of sailing. I don't think it's a violent thing... I haven't once thought about harming anyone but there's a general 0-100 throttle I feel in the back of my mind alot these days. I'm constantly trying to stop myself from being this volatile angry person.

Hello.... uhh not sure how to start this but this is a new world to me. I thought maybe it might help to just write some thing and have it unassociated and just... out there.Long story short, I've lived as a merchant mariner for many years now, but I've recently put that all behind me. I've seen more than my fair share of fights, divorces, alcoholism, debachery... yadda yadda, but it never really bothered me. At least I thought it didn't. All these years I kept a calm head and never thought of sailing as my life. I never did anything I'd regret, never participated in anything I thought was wrong. Hell more than enough oppurtunity for me to go find a hooker bar, get drunk off my ass or do all the drugs I wanted, within reason. But I never did. I never saw a point and still don't because it would just be a waste of money I've literally bled and sweat for.Fast forward to now, especially with covid, isolation is a friend. I never resented its presence but it was always there. Covid is nothing new in the sense of isolation from loved ones. But these days I'm finding I had this idea in my head of how perfect my loved ones where, and the more I am not sailing now, maybe this view is being challenged.As much as I resented sailing it helped me detach from the world. But I'm finding the more I am around people now the angrier and more volatile I am getting, especially around loved ones. I'm having outbursts over trivial things too that concerns me, like what time we'll be eating dinner or who will be cooking.I'm starting to think I might have a mental disorder and should seek professional help. Maybe it's just the stress of a new job but I'm worried because I've had more vocal outburst now than I did all my years of sailing.I don't think it's a violent thing... I haven't once thought about harming anyone but there's a general 0-100 throttle I feel in the back of my mind alot these days. I'm constantly trying to stop myself from being this volatile angry person.

Don't doubt yourself. Many people have change and change affects you. You will always adjust but it takes time. Seeking help for your mental health and to help yourself is a great idea if you have open mind and will allow it to work. Give yourself time to heal. The isolation you feel is a different isolation compared to being on a ship.

Don't doubt yourself. Many people have change and change affects you. You will always adjust but it takes time. Seeking help for your mental health and to help yourself is a great idea if you have open mind and will allow it to work. Give yourself time to heal. The isolation you feel is a different isolation compared to being on a ship.