Hey I’m a 45yr single mom, have an 18yr son

For some reason I have been finding myself wanting more attention from my 18yr old son. I thought it was just me feeling a bit lonely which it is but it also feels a bit sexual. I hate myself for saying it but ever since my break up I have become more sexually attracted to my 18yr old son. I have seen him nude and erect before, I accidentally walked in on him with everything out and doing the deed. Most of the thoughts I have are when I’m drunk and frustrated, Im always thinking that I really need a nice cock and recalling that memory. Whenever I am drunk I always remember staring/looking at my son’s lower area consistently throughout the night and I feel like a horrible mother for thinking of my son sexually. I feel like the urge is slowly becoming stronger and I don’t know what to do.