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Am i a bad person ?

I am 15 years old just for context im 6'3 and built well which when I tried to get help pepoul jus laughed at me and told me to man up stop being a pussy and deal with it but all this happen when I was 14 but my gf at the time was very loving and nice she had a few dozen mental problems or two and i would try to my best ability to help her but she wouldn't help her self and when things got hard for her she would bite kik punch slap me and she would punch flick and kick me in the balls if I did something wrong and when i tried to leave she had a new mental illness BPD I dont know what it is exactly but she would say its the reasons she would do all that becuse she dident know how to act and eavry time something happend she would blame it on that and eavry night she would try to leave me and i was up until 4-5 in the morning trying to get her to calm down and hope to god she would not threaten to kill her self and one night she tried to cut her wrist in front of me so I tried to stop her and she held the knife to me saying she would kill me but before all of that when we first started to date I had no say in it realy at the time I did like her and she just sead to me we are dating and thats it but anyway after 2 months of dating im 14 and she has literally just turned 16 she wanted me to f*ck her i told her I dident realy want to but one night she told me becuse i had a boner i had to and she started to give me a hand job and then we advetily did do it which I dident realy want to but becuse i let it happen i cant say i dident exactly not want it so I dont hold that agenst her but we did do it a few more times after that and one night and this still f*cks with my head and I regret eavrysingel second of it but she was telling me on how she likes to be woke up to being f*cked and i thagt she was hinting to me to do that to her so after we had been asleep and i woke up before her so I thaght i would do it to make her happy or whatever I was about to do it it but it felt realy wrong to do and yes a little bit went in but it felt wrong and dident feal right doing it so I stopped ad sobed for hr for what I did and when she woke up I told her what had happend and she told me it was fine and she was hinting for me to do that but I still feal guilty for doing it and there where other reasons on why I broke up with her but now that I had broke up with her becuse i couldn't take the abuse of her anymore she told me that she wasent hinting to it an I raped her but I still think of that night wishing hiw I could go back and tell my self not to do it and I sometimes wake up at night thinking im a monster and wanting to just kill my self for it....


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Re: Am i a bad person ?

I know that i can't feel what you are feeling but all i have got to say that you are the best person and deserve a lot better. There are so many people who don't even feel sorry for doing all this. And i am so sorry for all the abuse and you are quite brave if you would ask me. So stay happy because that is the only thing that you can give to yourself without someone restricting or anything. You did what you could to make her happy so you are not wrong. And you regret it means you are sorry for the mistake. So there is no need to worry or think about it any further i guess...

These are my pure thoughts.