Warning: This post contains Adult content. Reader discretion is advised.
relationships
struggling
guilt

am i an awful person??

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So for context I am mentally ill, not that that is in any way a defence for anything but it does mean i really struggle sometimes with relationships, mainly romantic, i find it is easier to run away, leave them before they can leave you etc. i find this means i dont end up getting as hurt and the recovery is much quicker. ive been feeling very distant from everything and everyone in my life recently and the feeling of being detached has taken over massively. i used to have extremely high anxiety levels, meaning i always had a lot of adrenaline whereas in the last year ive just crashed, college has become extremely difficult with no motivation to succeed. i have no goalpost, a lot of my friends are looking for good grades for uni but i hate the idea of uni. i cant even imagine life that far ahead let alone plan it. i feel very alone. although i do have friends and people that love me i find it very hard to accept and believe that to be the truth. getting motivated to do anything has become difficult. just about all i do is work, which is how ive spent my summer so far, since it is a much easier way to disconnect. anyway, getting sidetracked. my point is that basically a couple of months ago during covid i was added to a discord by a friend of mine, i met a guy through her and it was and it going so well, however there are some issues. he tends to not put much effort in, or thats how it seems from my perspective. he relies on his mum for a lot and often falls back on her, he doesnt have a job and struggles to see how i may not feel like hanging out after work, since he lives far away it takes me three trains to get to his and can get quite expensive. i find the little time we spend together means i have to be in a good mood whenever i see him, since i cant waste the precious time being sad or angry. i have recently found that ive been feeling very low and instead of being able to get upset ive just been getting mad, therefore upsetting him. i try hard to express myself positively but find i just cant. based upon a reaction i had from him a while ago when i was visually upset and he did nothing, after a blow out argument with my dad right before i saw him, his reaction stuck with me and the look he gave me was like really?? we're doing this?? i recently brought this up with him and he said he must have just not realised, i accepted it but there is still something there bothering me like an expectation of how he will react if something similar happens. i have expressed to him that i wanted to cool off our relationship, since we are not actually officially dating i feel that being much more chill was the way forward. i still leave my location on and he told me during this time that he had been watching where i was and questioned me about it, which i felt was unfair since i had made it clear i wasnt sure about our situation, honestly i do believe in right person wrong time in this situation, i just dont have the heart to tell him because he is trying (to an extent) although when we were finally seeing each other last week he missed the train and similar things like that have happened in a patterned fashion throughout us. a boy i work with made it clear that he found me attractive etc. and regularly asked if i wanted him to drive me home after work, which is significantly out of his way. i have ended up accepting on multiple occasions just because i have only just turned 17 and have not yet got my licence, although i am having lessons. this means him driving me home is actually very convenient for my family, since they are all very busy at the moment. anyway, one thing led to another and one time he asked me if i wanted to go for a drive before taking me home. i think possibly i was a little naive to what he wanted. anyway one thing led to another and he had his hand on my thigh, we ended up making out and him doing things to me, not to be explicit. i feel as though i have betrayed the first guy although i did make it clear how i was feeling unsure. i know that he has stayed loyal to me throughout and existing knowing i havent been makes me feel guilty as though i have betrayed him, although i know that isnt a legit feeling because we have never dated and we are not officially together. i know that he would never speak to me again if he knew. i feel as though i have only done this to be self destructive rather than because i like the second guy, because i definitely do not. we are both on the same page so i know i am not leading on the second guy, he has made it clear dating is not for him. i really want to try with the first guy but i feel that maybe it is already too far gone from my side. i feel like a fraud when i am with him because i know he loves me but im just not sure how i feel. that is not to say i dont feel the same. rather that spending such little time with him has become wearing, many of his friends have made it clear they do not like me, although most i have not even met. i feel like i have seen the difference between someone who is working hard, has a drivers licence and knows what they are doing compared to a boy who plays xbox for most of the day, relies heavily on his mum and does not have a job or licence. i feel like i am not on the same wavelength and he struggles to understand because he doesnt work and isnt trying very hard. i am trying although it seems to be failing, i just have no motivation right now, which i would love to change. i feel that i struggle to communicate with boy 1 and this is nothing to do with him, rather me and feeling that he doesnt understand my situation or me, although i have tried to explain. i have mainly just used this to vent rather than anything else so i apologise. i feel like my life is spiralling out of control and im sitting here watching it happen, i have felt this way for several years and its progressively gotten worse and more incomprehensible. i would love to have someone to talk to honestly about things like this however no one in my family i feel i can talk to, no one who has enough time to listen to me.