When trying to google something on my boyfriend’s phone, I found porn. It’s not like it’s a big deal, right? I keep telling myself that but as a woman I don’t understand it. See, I can’t speak for all women, but I personally don’t watch porn in a relationship. And all of my closer friends say the same thing. And yes, my male friends say they do. But is it wrong for me to still feel like I may not be good enough for him? He doesn’t turn down my advances, but he’s never gotten me off in sex before. Yes, you read that right. I fake my orgasms. Woo-hoo. And I do this because I know he’ll get sick of trying to get me off. The one time I tried to give him a push in the right direction, he complained about how long it was taking. Yes. He verbally said “oh my god, how much longer?” It hurt. So I faked it so he could be done with it. I never complain when I’m giving him a blowjob about how long it takes. Literally never. No matter how bad my jaw hurts or how awkward the way I’m sitting is. I’ve only tried to get better at it to make it easier. But now I find porn and what do I do? Worry about my body, probably.
Re: Am I Enough?
The porn on his phone is literally the last of your problems. It doesnt mean anything bad and it has many possible explanations that are likely to be true but dont have anything to do with you or him doing something wrong. Still there is nothing wrong about how that makes you feel and you should be able to ask your partner about that and calmly talk it out so that you two understand each other better. Hiding such feelings or invalidating them will be terribly toxic in a long run.
The main problem here is how you two interact with each other in bed. It seems as tho you treat sex as a duty or something that is meant to please your partner but not you. That should NEVER be the case. Sex should be a way for both partners to experience pleasure and intimacy. Faking orgasms shouldnt take place and instead you should tell him that you do not achieve orgasms with him but felt like you needed to do pretend because of various reasons that you should also mention. If you are okay with not achieving orgasms during sex tell him that and if you actually want to orgasm tell him that instead. You pretending to be comfortable while sucking him is also unacceptable. This should be about pleasure of both people and not just his. At least try to find positins together that make both of you feel well and ffs COMMUNICATE with respect and honesty. This is crucial to any heatly relationship. When he says something that hurt you like that tell him that as soon as you are ready instead of bottling it up and growing resentment inside of yourself. And yes he absolutely should know how his words impact you. If he knows it he is going to care about it more and try not to hurt you even trying to say it duffrently... if him knowing that doesnt change the way he treats you or he invalidates your feelings then straight up dump him.
You are not his sex toy. You are a person worthy of someone who treats you with love and respect.