Thinking about the fact that I've always been sexually active..since I was a little child..I mean I can remember touching myself at the age of 3 maybe 4..not that it gave me any sense of pleasure but I just sometimes felt like touching that sacred place between my legs. Growing up I had weird thoughts about hurting myself in that place..and I absentmindedly started masturbating..using water. Never have I understood why I wanted to do that in the first place I just I did it. Then at around the age of 12-13 I got caught "masturbating with water" by my mom, who then proceeded into beating the shit out of me without really explaining why what I was doing was wrong..?! At 14, my aunt's husband convinced me to be my "sexual husband", in our society talking about sex is a taboo which is probably why I got that beating from my mum and I suppose it is the same reason why I never got the sex talk from her either! Anyhow after that man convinced me with that idea he proceeded to touch me, at first I fought it off because I was scared and he almost pushed his dick in my ass which hurt so he decided he was gonna shove it in my mouth instead! As much as I was scared of what he was doing, he told me that it was normal and that he would never hurt me. At that time I didn't really understand that what he was doing to me was wrong so as a typical teenager I wrote about it in my diary. My mum being the sneaky person that she is, she used to read my diary behind my back. Her reaction to finding out that her few month old brother-in-law touched her eldest daughter like that was what I call right now completely selfish! She only asked me if "that part" of his body "entered" mine...I said "No," and that was all she asked; she didn't talk to me for a while as a punishment for what I did, still not explaining why it was wrong?! The ministrations of my so called "sexual husband" didn't stop after that one time, he kept at it even when I struggled to say no..he simply didn't care, he just used my body to get off..while still keeping me a virgin since that was a huge deal in our society and our religion! I was sexually molested/abused or whatever you wanna call it till the age of 18! That was when I mastered up my courage and told him No More!When I had my first kiss at 18, it was planned, me and my ex planned everything; saying will just stick to kissing not wanting carried away. It was our first after all! Except he didn't stick to his word and jumped to phase 2 (touching me on and underneath my clothes)! Me trying to stop him from getting too far was to no avail, my "no"s fell on deaf ears! I left him afterwards. Over the course of the following 6 years till this day, I have been either madly wanted for my body and harassed on the streets for it! Or harshly called flat and small because I'm skinny! My body is both a blessing and a nightmare to me! I can't really remember when I got into it but when I was a teenager I found a book on Wattpad about BDSM, and surprise surprise it interested me! And since then I have been attracted to that type of...kink(?) I enjoyed watching BDSM porn and reading more and more books about it! Then I started wanting it for myself but not really willing to give myself up to someone like that, so I resorted to sexting because I found myself wanting to submit to someone but on my own terms..and I don't really remember how that started but I began sexting strangers on instagram or other sexting apps. Partially submitting myself to them and having them order me to do stuff to my body and send pictures as proof! A part of me knew what I was doing was wrong but I also couldn't shake off that weird desire and maybe pleasure(?) I got from the pain those men inflected on me..you might call me a masochist but I honestly don't know? Maybe I have a part masochist in me, I personally think it also comes from the fact that I never felt like I was enough.. My parents always found something to blame me for whether I was really at fault or not! I was always the one to blame! So maybe I accepted that pain as a punishment for not being enough! I used to beat myself for the what that man did to me but then I realized I was never at fault since I never could overpower a 30 something years old man, plus he never listened when I said NO!Then I started to like the fact that I'm attracting men. From 18 to 23 I had over 20 flings with 13 different guys; only 2 of them were within a relationship! I can't say I'm proud of myself for doing all that but I am proud of the experience I gained and the skill I have now. I now know how to use my body to my advantage.I still haven't talked about this subject with my therapist and I don't know how to open it with him. I once searched and came across the term "Nymphomaniac"..but..is that me? Am I really a Nymph?