Hi,This year has been hard for everybody. Before the coronavirus hit us here in the UK I'd quit my job, my home and my partner all at once. I'm a teacher, I wasn't happy in my school, the kids were awfully behaved for me, and when I wanted to vent in the staff room at lunch, it was always empty. Nobody socialised with anybody. I felt alone. My partner who I was living with was dealing with issues of his own, he had a major gambling problem, and to deal with it he drank a lot of alcohol. I hated it. I got myself into £2,000 of credit card debt trying to look after us both. That wasn't the worst part of it though, the worst bit was that he could sometimes drink so much he'd turn into a different person. He got angry, he'd call me awful names and make me feel small, and when it was really bad it got physical. He choked me during an argument and I passed out. I remember waking up on the floor gasping for air. It was the scariest moment of my life. Yet I stayed with him for another 4 months after until I had the courage to properly leave him. By then I had lost 1 and a half stone in weight. I always blamed myself, I caused him to act like this. The love I had for him kept pulling me back. In March I moved into a house share, I'd found a new teaching job I was starting in a new school, which seemed, and has been lovely. Lockdown started. I realised I was isolating with 4 guys, who were strangers. There was one that I was attracted to. But he'd just got out of a 7 year relationship where the woman (much older than me) had been cheating on him. I was still entertaining ideas with my ex at the time, who I was still feeling in love with but slowly loosing interest. I was having a lot of fun with these new housemates in the end. We were drinking a lot, having a lot of jokes, playing games, getting to know each other and enjoying the sunshine. Despite the bad times we were in, and I couldn't see my friends or my family, I was having a nice time. The one I fancied, let's call him Sean, was messaging lots and lots of girls on social media, I admit this spurred me on, like a competition. He wanted a girl to stay over during lockdown, I was very anti breaking the rules, but I admit that I was also annoyed because I was jealous. He met one of my friends who came to go for a socially distanced walk to catch up, I let her come into our garden, next thing I knew he was kissing her and I was drunkenly crying about it. A couple of months later I told him I liked him and we started seeing each other, although I wanted to keep it very very casual. It got serious. I went off the pill during lockdown because I thought what's the point, I can't see a Dr and I'm not going to be having sex. And then of course I started having sex. I told Sean we should use a condom, but he was adamant that there was no point he said "if we're meant to get pregnant then it will be." Lockdown restrictions started to ease, and me and one my friends (who is also a teacher) managed to get away to Ibiza for a week during summer, which was amazing. I got home, Sean was happy I was back. I was aware I hadn't had a period in a while, but didn't think much of it, to be honest, I never thought I was the type of person to get pregnant, I always thought when the time came it would take me ages if ever to get pregnant. I love children and I really want to have my own one day. I was in the local supermarket, and pregnancy tests were like £3, I thought that was cheap so I might as well check. Lo and behold.... I was pregnant. My first instincts were to keep it, but after speaking to my best friends, my sister and my mum, all of them were against me having this baby, so regrettably I had an abortion. And it makes me want to cry even now just thinking that I did that. Sean wanted me to keep the baby, he was supportive though with my decisions. And I had a medical abortion. It was horrible. And I didn't realise this would happen but I haven't been regular ever since. My first two periods were so heavy I was at work (we don't get much time for toilet breaks as teachers) and I felt my leg, looked at my hand and saw it was covered in blood despite the fact I was wearing a tampon. Turns out Sean really wants to have children, and has been trying with his last 2 ex partners. I don't know why it never worked for them, U guess because they were older... ? Meanwhile in my house share, a new guy moved in, let's call him Tom. He was very loud and very chatty. But I found out he was having different girls to sleep over during our lockdown and I was not pleased. I spoke to him about it and we fell out. I started to realise he was a very aggressive man, he shouted, he threatened violence. The entire time I lived with him I was scared. Him and Sean got on well. My ex turned up drunk at our house, he was harmless, but Tom beat him to a pulp. Sean drove him home to his parents with my assistance. In October, I developed a cough and a temperature, being aware coronavirus was spreading in my school I got myself tested, and a day later my result came back positive. Sean and Tom were still going to work because apparently they "don't believe in this coronavirus bullshit and it's propaganda." Sean stopped going to work and got tested, only because I told him to. He tested positive, 2 days later he was very very sick, I was bringing him food to his bed and looking after him as well as trying to teach online. Tom had given me his cough syrup, I'd barely seen him. He'd started to cough but was still going to work. I was appalled. Next thing I could hear him talking on the phone about me saying that I wasn't giving him back his cough syrup, so I brought it to him, and he shouted at me, I ca't remember exactly what he said but it was something along the lines of "fuck off you fucking bitch" and he was threatening to hit me, and he was threatening to bring a girl round our house to beat me up. Over cough syrup. I was still self-isolating, I couldn't even go anywhere. In the end, I reported him to the police. They turned up at his work. He knew that it was because of me. Despite his threatening behaviour, Sean never stuck up for me. I was scared and wanted out of the house. Sean wanted to move in with me, so I decided to do that, although really I knew it was a bit soon in our relationship. We found a place and moved out, just in time for my 30th birthday at the end of November.Living with Sean like this, I realised how bad his financial situation was. He told me that he was paying for a lot of stuff for his ex because she couldn't take out loans. So he had to take them all out. They went on many 5 star all inclusive holidays to Mexico and the Caribbean. He asked me to take out a £5,000 loan for him, which I reluctantly and eventually agreed to. He said things would be better after. They haven't been. I found out he had this credit card from Marbles which he was paying something like £150 interest on per month. I gave him £3,000 from my Help to Buy ISA to pay it off, because I thought it would make things easier for us. It hasn't. I'm still having to pay way more than my fair share on food, rent, bills and council tax. I'd say he probably pays about 20% of it, where he earns more money than I do.Over the Christmas holidays was when the real issues began. We found out my mum has breast cancer. I can't even see her. It's been so hard because I have been so worried about her and I can't even hug her because of this virus. Sean was not there for me at all. He still isn't. He plays it down. Says that she'll be fine. And he closed off intimacy. He works night shifts and does over time, so we only spend 1 night together per week, and on that night he spend the entire time with his back to me. NYE he got very very drunk, and told me he wanted to kill himself and was checking the stairs to make sure they would take his weight. I tried to talk to him, he won't open up, he told me that something bothers him this time of year and that's all he'd say. The next morning I came downstairs and his phone was there. He is on his phone way too much, and it drives me a little bit mad. Especially as I know how he used to be messaging lots of girls and has lots of them on his friends list on Facebook and Instagram. I was weak and I decided to look. I saw some messages between him and his ex who he'd told me never talks to. He had been lying. What's worse, she'd invited him to hers for Christmas, and he'd offered to pay for the SIM card on her phone every month. Unbelievable. Especially with all the money issues we're going through. I bottled it up until I got drunk and confronted him. He denied it all, which was stupid because I knew it was all true because I'd seen. He then took an entire packed of sleeping pills saying he wanted to die. I called the ambulance. Turned out he was fine but was ill for a few days after. I'm a teacher now, working from home, online, which is draining and doesn't feel very effective or successful. Obviously I see Sean all the time, and when he is nice I am so affectionate and loving like nothing matters. But deep down, now, I don't trust him, I blame him for my financial situation, I am now in £3,700 credit card debt, and I have no escape. He texts me every night when he gets to work, he tell me I' beautiful, that I'm a princess or an angel or something or other, it's fake isn't it? But I can't help but be drawn into any little thing like that because I crave the intimacy and I crave the compliments from him. Truth be told, right now, I can't escape, but I don't even know if I want to. I'm a huge worrier, but I try so hard to bottle it in so nobody knows about it. Last night I was up for 2 hours because I thought someone was trying to break in, actually I think the reality was the noise was just the dog snoring. If you've read this far, thank you so much. Please, if there's any comment you want to make, even if it's an insult to me, please say, because I will appreciate any feedback. Honestly, I don't know if I'm crazy. I have made so many mistakes, but all things aside, I think I'm a good and caring person, or at least I try to be. Lots of love,From Anonymous 30 year old British woman.