I don’t know why I stumbled upon this page, but I guess my mind is just finding ways to get distracted, or to feel like I’m not alone in my thoughts. I used to have a person, my ex-girlfriend, who I could talk to and vent these thoughts. Now I really can’t tell anyone.
I have antisocial personality disorder, or what many people colloquially know as sociopathy or psychopathy. I have seen some people, I have received some meds too, but my ego stops me from letting either of these work on myself. I am inherently violent, deceptive, and manipulative to everyone I have in my life. I had a rough childhood, I was molested and grew up in a tough place, and I’m sure all that is a big part of why I am like this. All my life I have felt ostracized and alone, never able to connect with anyone, never having meaningful relationships. I wasn’t a “weirdo” in fact I was very popular in high school but just because I was aggressive and would manipulate everyone and everything around me just to be ahead and seem like the best. Same in school and anything else I have done.
My way of being has pushed everyone away. It has gotten me into trouble, and some other stuff will get me in trouble in the future. Yet, I can’t help it. I seek out aggression, thrill, pain, and to cause pain. I manipulate, lie, cheat, and do anything I can. Sometimes I don’t even do it to get ahead in life, just for the thrill. I carry knifes and brass knuckles everywhere. I’m always hoping for an excuse to get violent, to draw blood.
Anyways, my ex-gf let me vent to her, plus she would allow me to do some stuff to her that would help me calm my urges. But now she’s gone from my life, and the one person that allowed me to feel normal is gone.
The older I get, the more violent my urges get too. I don’t know what to do. I have a new girlfriend already, but that’s something I just do because I need to be using people all the time. She doesn’t get me, even after I told her what I have and how I am. I am afraid people would think I should be locked up if I told anyone what I really think and want to do. What I prepare for always. Even some stuff I’ve done.
Life seems to not have a point, but I love myself too much to end it.