It was almost 1 and a half year back that I started dating a guy. He was the one who reciprocated first. I always had some feelings for him and so I took no time to say yes. The initial days of the relationship were really good. Actually we were neighbors. Knew each other for 13 long years but never actually spoke to each other. And all of a sudden we started a new bond. All of this was really engaging and in a good way. It was a first for me. In 20 years of my life I never thought of dating someone and then all out of a sudden I was there with a guy whom I really liked. I was rejoicing the feeling. But nothing lasted long. Slowly our talks got reduced. Lock down worsened the situation. I was completely bewildered with the change of track from his side. I was sad, actually sad doesn't even cover all the emotions that I went through. I was becoming a paranoid. i had one of my close friend who always warned me about this guy. She often suggested me to break up ,because she was clearly able to see all the kind of weird changes happening in me. I had always been so self-composed and focused and then this guy literally tore me apart. I tried, really tried hard to talk to him, to start our relationship again. One day I was all in tears and decided to ask him firmly about our so called relationship. It took him no time to say that he wants to end the relationship. And I was completely shattered, not because it was something unexpected, but because all of a sudden I felt a huge hollow in my heart. i felt shaken. I cried, cried a lot. But what else could I do then moving on. I started working hard on my studies.Started exercising so that I could regain all my peace of mind which seemed long lost. Things had just started getting well that the darkness came around again. He messaged me after a long period of 3 months he messaged me again and said that he was more than sorry for all he said and that he was in a tough situation. And for the worse to happen I forgave him, like a dumb fool. But I really felt that someone can be in problem. Situation might not be favorable always. But a part of me knew that I was just trying to justify my idiotic decision. I wanted to feel up the void created and so I started everything all over again. But this time i got to some of his darkest secrets. Secrets which completely shook me. My mom always used to warn me against this guy, my friend always warned me, but i never took the warning. Until I saw the monster inside him all on my own. But I don't know why I still continued with him. I feel like a crazy human who wants is continuously giving up on all valid reasons to get out of a highly toxic relationship. After few days he went out for work. We started the long distance relationship stuff again and he started with the ignorance stuff again. I thought at the first time that all of it was a mistake but now I simply know that he is a damn damn player. He always used me according to his own convenience. I never expected him to talk to me for hours and hours. I quite know that it is silly. i understand that space is essential. But what he is doing is creating unbearable distance. I am just trying to get out of all this. I want to. I genuinely want to.