This is a slight background for my first entry, “Angels First Entry”. For context I’m a 20F.Ever since I was at least 7years old my mother told me to suck in my stomach “all ladies should”, don’t eat outrageous amounts, don’t weigh past a certain amount, a certain size should fit you anything more is not acceptable. I never seen it as an issue until my father passed when I was 13, that’s when I noticed everything she said over the years as she repeated them, except this time I believed in what she said. Adding onto the fact we were both grieving didn’t help either of our mental standings. I was, at first, clinging on to my mom for salvation, while she was home less and out drinking more and more. Then once came the time for my mom to come to terms with things to be a good parent to me, I had closed off. In the course of my mothers grieving process, I was often left home alone with little to no groceries, which started the beginnings of my eating disorder. During her drinking phase, she also became obsessed with her physical appearance, and to I assume help her own self esteem she often used me as an example not to look like. She made me weigh myself then she would get on the scale to praise herself for weighing less (I am a good 3–4 inches taller than my mom). Despite us making up in the last year and some, she still has a foggy memory of the emotional pain she caused me to have and hide for many years. Let’s hope I get rid of the sickening feeling of wanting a blade to my legs and arms and the automatic response of my body wanting to reject food.